Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 11

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Why don't people talk about that?

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I’ve never cheated on a girl. I haven’t. I’m faithful. If I don’t want to be in a relationship I’m honest, upfront, and I get out of the relationship. Naw, I’m kidding. I throw that dick everywhere!

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no fucking sense make.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

There's some serious pockets of humanity out there. Go to some of these truck stops in the middle of nowhere you'll meet some serious folk. Order coffee the guy behind the counter goes 'you want the 32 oz. or the large?' Shit, how big is that large? 'You goin' want to pull yer car 'round back, I goin' start that pump.' That sounds like a lot of coffee, dude. I don't know if I want to be awake that long in Tennessee. On second thought give me that pussy size.

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.

When I go to church, I can't get past the fact that I'm just listening to some fuckin' guy. Do you ever think of that shit when you go in there? That's just some dude. And people are like, 'No! That's a special guy.' No it isn't! It isn't. No, he didn't levitate down from the ceiling with this white light around him. Why would you listen to another human being tell you where you're gonna go when you die? It's just like: 'Dude, have you ever been dead? No. Great. So wouldn't it be safe to assume that you wouldn't have the slightest fuckin' idea what you're talking about? Yeah, you're making it up. You're making the shit up. You're not fooling me with the robes and the candles, speakin' in old English, 'He saideth unto you-eth'. Shut the fuck up, you don't talk like that. You're just some guy, your names Jerry, you play soccer, you got your ass kicked in gym class, and now you're doin' this.'

You know when someone calls you 'pal' and you're not pals? Yeah, fuck that.

My socks do match. They're the same thickness.

Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!'

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola; what ain't fruits or nuts, is flakes.