Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 11
You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well... we looked at the receipts."
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work.
I’ve never cheated on a girl. I haven’t. I’m faithful. If I don’t want to be in a relationship I’m honest, upfront, and I get out of the relationship. Naw, I’m kidding. I throw that dick everywhere!
Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no fucking sense make.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.
There's some serious pockets of humanity out there. Go to some of these truck stops in the middle of nowhere you'll meet some serious folk. Order coffee the guy behind the counter goes 'you want the 32 oz. or the large?' Shit, how big is that large? 'You goin' want to pull yer car 'round back, I goin' start that pump.' That sounds like a lot of coffee, dude. I don't know if I want to be awake that long in Tennessee. On second thought give me that pussy size.
You know when someone calls you 'pal' and you're not pals? Yeah, fuck that.
Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!
Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola; what ain't fruits or nuts, is flakes.
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!'