Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1115

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'

But let me ask you this though, first and foremost: who's your favorite Spice Girl? Mine is Sporty Spice and I'll tell you why. You know what? She might not be as aesthetically pleasant as the rest but she'll do a backflip and steal your heart.

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver while I was having a cocktail.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we’re taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

My mother sadly claimed, that my birth was just a coincidence.

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.

That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised...

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game for comedy material but I don't believe that.