Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1115
Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.
I'm a hard guy to live with. I'm like a caged animal. I'm up all night walking around the living room. It's hard for me to come down from what I do.
In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.
My plan this year is to achieve spiritual enlightenment through ceaseless competition with everything.
A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.
The definition of "adventure" depends upon how boring your life is.
We're dealing with fundamentalists... the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that.
People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.
Valentines day are coming up and a German company has made chokolate in shapes of couples making love. I don't like them... I don't want my chokolate to have more fun than me.
Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.