Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1115
Leave me alone. Mine [laptop] has been on for years. The poor thing is going there "I'm boiling! Please, turn me off! Even oven gets a break! Come on!"
Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"
Perhaps your palate isn’t sophisticated enough to understand my brand of humor.
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.
I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.
You might be a redneck if you've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Remove your pajamas from your body. Tie knots in the arms and the legs and the head and the everything. And then whip them over your head very fast and then inflate them to the size and consistency of a small speed boat.
Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: don't stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people.
Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.