Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1115
When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, "Have you seen where they’re settling?"
Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?
How are you gonna make an ‘idol’ from the type of person you’re trying to avoid in real life?
We had our own Olympics and forget the color war. We had the colon wars, which was sort of sad. The rabbi was the head of the sports department, and he said, 'Let the injuries begin!'
There's more to life than sitting around in the sun in your underwear playing the clarinet.
Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, "Somewhere out there, there's clown semen."
You might be a redneck if your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.
We're dealing with fundamentalists... the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that.
"I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin."
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young”.<br /> I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
But let me ask you this though, first and foremost: who's your favorite Spice Girl? Mine is Sporty Spice and I'll tell you why. You know what? She might not be as aesthetically pleasant as the rest but she'll do a backflip and steal your heart.