Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1115
The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, “Gday Gday how you doing no worries next”.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
I purposefully studied ventriloquism so I can throw my orgasm - which was sort of a sad moment in my life.
We're dealing with fundamentalists... the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that.
"I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin."
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
You might be a redneck if there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, "this is going to hurt me more than it will you".
Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a (expletive) dream, too.
I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.'
Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.
I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'
Leave me alone. Mine [laptop] has been on for years. The poor thing is going there "I'm boiling! Please, turn me off! Even oven gets a break! Come on!"