Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1115
How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?
I purposefully studied ventriloquism so I can throw my orgasm - which was sort of a sad moment in my life.
Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'
Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That’s where you find your voice.
Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver while I was having a cocktail.
I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.'
The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
The careers teacher told me I had a clear choice: if I didn't end up going to university I'd end up robbing post offices.
Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Something tells me that Mitt Romney’s sex face is the same as his regular face.