Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1129
The only way I can get Fang out of bed in the morning is to wear a black dress and a veil, and sit on the edge of his bed and cry.
At the moment it's just a Notion, but with a bit of backing I think I could turn it into Concept, and then an Idea.
If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.
I would think the squad car cop is to the cop on a bike as the sketch artist is to the etch-a-sketch artist.
You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.
Can anyone lead us? Someone with integrity, truth, fire? Someone to create peace and unite us? God, I just described Bono and SpongeBob. We're fucked.
People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, "No, I don't." Because I wouldn't have just one kid; I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"