Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1129
The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you’ve ever been there, you’ll realize that that’s maybe a bit long.
A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.
[about her half-black boyfriend] I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.
Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.
When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed.
Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.
Sorry sweety, you're not going to make the cut. You're just not unhealthy enough for me.
They call me a role model \ <br /> Even though my hand’s glued to that gin bottle
Full House gave me Tourette's. We would be on the set, and, action! "Okay, Michelle, you can't have a horse in the house." and, cut! "Cock shit fuck!"
I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.
Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.