Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 113
When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?
I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
Hollywood people are filled with guilt: white guilt, liberal guilt, money guilt. They feel bad that they're so rich, they feel they don't work that much for all that money - and they don't, for the amount of money they make.
Here's the thing about Apple, we complain and they give us more battery life. We complain and they'll give us more stuff. Everything's beta right now. Everything's experimental. They really don't know what people want.
She says, "Dad, do you know how hard it is for my boyfriend to put a condom on while we're in the swimming pool?" And my dead grandmother appeared in front of me and said, "Bob, we'll see you in about two minutes."
You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?
The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.
You know I am glad he is an atheist. Because wouldn't it be great that while he is doing his little tree thing, I know they do a lot of work with breezes, through the woods a huge sweaty guy with an ax comes long, sees him "chop-chop", puts a chain around him, drag him through the mud and the muck, throws him into a sawmill and grinds him up "neeeeee", then you pound him down into paper, and once he's paper, you print the Bible on him.
I think there's a part, just a part of comedians, that is still childlike.
Men are allowed to age. Men are allowed to gain weight. Men are allowed to be quirky looking.
I think of a lot of comedy being watched alone, for some reason. It’s surprising to me that people are getting together to watch stand-up comedy.