Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 113
You’re so beautiful like a tree or a high class prostitute.
I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out. So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.
I praticed making faces in the mirror and it would drive my mother crazy. She used to scare me by saying that I was going to see the devil if I kept looking in the mirror. That fascinated me even more, of course.
For guys, sex is like going to a restaurant, and no matter what you order off that menu, you walk out of there going, 'Damn, that was good!'
You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company can't explain in one sentence what it does, it's illegal.
Really? You did it so your shirts would fit better? You did it because you're a whore, you forgot because you're stupid.
You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?
Our desire was to be annexed into one of the villages of Columbia, but it didn't turn out that way.
If the terrorists hated freedom, the Netherlands would be fucking dust.
I have nothing against the planet per se. I root for the big comet or asteroid as a way of cleansing the planet. The comet or asteroid 65 million years ago is probably what gave us our opening to replace the reptiles.
Life and mental illness aside, the only reason to stay miserable is life or mental illness.
I write raps so sometimes I will write them in my iPhone. So I was writing the n-word in my iPhone and my iPhone goes, 'Did you mean niggardly?' And I was like, 'No iPhone. I meant nigger; write it.' But then, two weeks later, I was writing Jigga - which is the shortened form of Jay-Z. And my iPhone goes, 'Did you mean nigger?' And I went, 'Whoa, iPhone. You do not get to say that.'
I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.
Golf is a lot like stand-up comedy. You have to suck to get good in the long run and I have always loved a challenge like that. The shoes are funny and always keep me laughing, especially when I suck extra hard!