Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 113

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

You know I am glad he is an atheist. Because wouldn't it be great that while he is doing his little tree thing, I know they do a lot of work with breezes, through the woods a huge sweaty guy with an ax comes long, sees him "chop-chop", puts a chain around him, drag him through the mud and the muck, throws him into a sawmill and grinds him up "neeeeee", then you pound him down into paper, and once he's paper, you print the Bible on him.

Legalize hemp and allow women to grow it and make food, clothing and housing for pennies from it and legalize marijuana too. Let women integrate their divided consciousness with a natural herb instead of doctors' pills that kill the liver.

Golf is a lot like stand-up comedy. You have to suck to get good in the long run and I have always loved a challenge like that. The shoes are funny and always keep me laughing, especially when I suck extra hard!

Obviously the audience has veto power signified by whether they laugh or not, but you-not them-retain the ultimate power to decide what they’re going to get the opportunity to laugh at.

I think extreme sports are really good for relieving stress.

The food here is so tasteless you could eat a meal of it and belch and it wouldn't remind you of anything.

Why sip from a tea cup, when you can drink from the river.

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it’s right for you.

She says, "Dad, do you know how hard it is for my boyfriend to put a condom on while we're in the swimming pool?" And my dead grandmother appeared in front of me and said, "Bob, we'll see you in about two minutes."

Where can I find a Big Bird t-shirt, a disco ball and a 14-inch dildo? Spencer’s Gifts.

So, I bought a new CD and I was trying to get it open but couldn't with all the layers... I mean plastic and then tape and the tape is like government tape. It says open here... is that sarcasm?, and buy batteries and they are in there with layers and layers of cardboard and then scissors... you need scissors to get into scissors, what if you were buying them for the first time? you wouldn't be able to get them open. Then you try and buy a light bulb and it's this thin thin cardboard... what are they thinking? "Oh, they'll be fine."

And we certainly don't have full conversations on cellphones. You know? Usually the reception is so bad, but it's only bad on your side. The person talking to you has no clue. They're just rambling on and on. You've got your finger jammed in your ear, you're shushing people on the streets. You're ducked behind a dumpster so you can hear about your friend's new hair cut. "What about the bangs are they shorter?! Are the bangs shorter?! The bangs!"

They say if you don't have your health you ain't got nothing, but the truth is you ain't got nothing if you don't have no one to worry about your health.