Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 113
This is football we're talking about here, which you call bananas and you're reluctant to play it. But you play baseball, the World Series. You've won every year, America's won every year in that. Well done America.
If you’re a girl, and dont give blowjobs, go ahead and curl up with your cats and your twilight dvd’s... because you are going to die alone.
If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?
Why is it that they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the Bible when he's with a woman alone in a motel room? Why would he be interested? Whatever he's praying for, he's already got!
I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."
Every holiday on the calendar, I check in a hotel and fast - I don't eat, I don't drink, I don't talk.
You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, "Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?" Just to piss you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.
I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they’re scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: "You can’t just go out and sell it for what it’s worth, we’re holding out for so much more!"
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.
Television series are like the stock market. There's room for bears and bulls but no room for pigs. If we'd tried to milk another year out of the series, we'd have wound up with a pig.