Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 113
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it’s right for you.
Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.
Golf is a lot like stand-up comedy. You have to suck to get good in the long run and I have always loved a challenge like that. The shoes are funny and always keep me laughing, especially when I suck extra hard!
Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.
Some people even think I wear a wig. Do they think I went into a salon one day and said, "Can you please screw this up really bad?"
Here's the thing about Apple, we complain and they give us more battery life. We complain and they'll give us more stuff. Everything's beta right now. Everything's experimental. They really don't know what people want.
Where can I find a Big Bird t-shirt, a disco ball and a 14-inch dildo? Spencer’s Gifts.
Men are allowed to age. Men are allowed to gain weight. Men are allowed to be quirky looking.
I think there's a part, just a part of comedians, that is still childlike.
If the terrorists hated freedom, the Netherlands would be fucking dust.
She says, "Dad, do you know how hard it is for my boyfriend to put a condom on while we're in the swimming pool?" And my dead grandmother appeared in front of me and said, "Bob, we'll see you in about two minutes."
Obviously the audience has veto power signified by whether they laugh or not, but you-not them-retain the ultimate power to decide what they’re going to get the opportunity to laugh at.
I feel like my washing machine is sneaky because I put clothes in there and detergent and start it up. I hear all this noise as it’s turning around, then I open the lid to see what was going on and it’s like... "What man? We’re just hanging out in here. There’s nothing happening? Don’t worry about it. I’m a washing machine, not a show you how I do it machine."