Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 113

Celebrities are just normal, screwed up people like everyone else who just don't know who you are. You're just as important.

There are things about the Jewish religion that I carry with me to this day. Chief among them is Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, as it's so happily called. It had a profound effect on my innocent young mind. The service opens with the organ playing "Kol Nidre," one of the spookiest pieces of music ever written. You hear it and literally are surprised bats and shit aren't flying around.

We were in the park flying a kite and a guy walks up and says "You flying a kite?" "Nope, we're fishing for birds." Here's your sign!

Death is nature's way of telling us to slow down.

I want to get a tattoo of the word "irony", only misspelled.

Some people can handle alcohol. You know who you are. Some people can't handle alcohol. The police know who you are.

I love dogs because there's no filter mechanism between the dog's brain and its tail. There's no filter there. Like, if the dog is happy, the tail is wagging; if the tail is wagging, the dog is happy. There's no passive aggressive shit like humans, like, "Oh this douchebag thinks I'm happy to see him".

Every time Joe Biden says something goofy, I just picture GWBush at home, watching TV saying: “That guy says some dumb stuff.”

You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it and you wave a flag celebrating it.

I think he has a hell of a chance on rain softened ground and he probably represents our best chance for a Festival victory.

I don't want a clean living guy in the White House with his finger on the button. He thinks he's going right to heaven. You want to feel safe with a leader. Give me a guy who fights in bars and cheats on his wife. This is a man who wants to put off Judgment Day as long as possible.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Don't bring your sand toys to the park. That's another bad move. Because I go to the park, and I'm on the Vicodin and a little weed too - let's face it - and I go in there, and my wife's like, 'Bring the sand toys! Bring the sand toys!' And I know what happens every single time: I become sand toy repo man from the eight little kids that run off in nine different directions with my sand toys.

Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.

When it rains really hard, I like to run stop signs just to make cops get out of their cars. Make them stand there in the rain in a big puddle. <br /> ‘Alright you, know why I stopped you?’<br /> ‘Yeah, know why I ran the sign?’