Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 114

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company can't explain in one sentence what it does, it's illegal.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

The food here is so tasteless you could eat a meal of it and belch and it wouldn't remind you of anything.

I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.

Never fry bacon when you're naked.

I have nothing against the planet per se. I root for the big comet or asteroid as a way of cleansing the planet. The comet or asteroid 65 million years ago is probably what gave us our opening to replace the reptiles.

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

I have no desire to be hip to the latest black slang and do the stereotypical black thing. I was a Richard Pryor fan, and I have used profanity in my act. But when it becomes a whole thing that defines blacks, we're limiting ourselves. The enemy is us.

You know what music is - a harmonic connection between all living beings.

So, I bought a new CD and I was trying to get it open but couldn't with all the layers... I mean plastic and then tape and the tape is like government tape. It says open here... is that sarcasm?, and buy batteries and they are in there with layers and layers of cardboard and then scissors... you need scissors to get into scissors, what if you were buying them for the first time? you wouldn't be able to get them open. Then you try and buy a light bulb and it's this thin thin cardboard... what are they thinking? "Oh, they'll be fine."

Here's the thing about Apple, we complain and they give us more battery life. We complain and they'll give us more stuff. Everything's beta right now. Everything's experimental. They really don't know what people want.

I think it's weird that one group took refracted light. Pretty greedy, gays.

If you’re a girl, and dont give blowjobs, go ahead and curl up with your cats and your twilight dvd’s... because you are going to die alone.

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

They say if you don't have your health you ain't got nothing, but the truth is you ain't got nothing if you don't have no one to worry about your health.