Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 114
I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.
Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there’s like this whole added pressure to perform. ‘Cause it’s kinda like you’re not just humping for yourself. You’re humping for your race. You got to represent your people.
Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.
But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!" "Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.”
Obviously the audience has veto power signified by whether they laugh or not, but you-not them-retain the ultimate power to decide what they’re going to get the opportunity to laugh at.
Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?
Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.
I'm gonna get famous. Then when my career starts to flag, I'm gonna go into a three month fucking bender, OK? Coke, and fucking pot, and smack, and fucking booze, and drive over people, and beat up my kids, go into therapy, go into rehab, come outta rehab, be on the cover of People magazine, and go Sorry! I fucked up!
I think it's weird that one group took refracted light. Pretty greedy, gays.
I'm glad I was raised by my dad for other reasons, too. There are things you can learn from a father, as a son, that you can never learn from Mom. Special things, important things. Like "never challenge Dad to a fist fight."