Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 114
Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.
If the terrorists hated freedom, the Netherlands would be fucking dust.
I would have let a lot of people out of prison. I would start scaling back, I'd fire lots whole branches of government. I would bring troops back from every corner of the world. Politics is fucked beyond parties. With flat-form issues, people should be figuring shit out for themselves. I think I'd make a better terrorist than a president. I'm putting all my motivation into the wrong avenue.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on-a-rope.
I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.
Porno is just like any other drug; after a while you start building up a tolerance to it.
The worst television is MTV. 'Music Television' - they call it that, they don't even play music. How's that legal? What if everybody did that? 'Hey, thanks for calling New York Pizza.' 'Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas.' 'Oh, we don't sell pizza.' 'What?' 'No, we just have raccoon hats and eye patches. Call a book store if you're hungry.'
Other animals could have secret talents, like tigers might be good with banjos.
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
Some people even think I wear a wig. Do they think I went into a salon one day and said, "Can you please screw this up really bad?"
Life and mental illness aside, the only reason to stay miserable is life or mental illness.
The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.