Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1164

The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.

Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

I just broke up with a guy… it’s hard breaking up with them, ‘cause you have to be like, “Listen, you’ve run out of money.”

A lot of debate about the war lately. Democrats saying pull out. Republicans saying finish the job. It's like the angel and devil on my shoulders during sex -- maybe I really am a Republican?

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

I'll take a vaction if I don't go.

No one has ever said to me ‘go home and make a baby.’ I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.