Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1164

It’s been a very old thing for people to gather together and laugh at stuff. The first comedian in America really was Abraham Lincoln. He used to go to a pub near where he lived and stand in front of the fire and he packed the place every night and he would just talk and bust everybody in their guts. He was just a hilarious speaker and that’s what he did.

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

I refuse to feel guilty. I feel guilty about too much in my life but not about money. I went through periods when I had nothing, so somebody in my family has to get stinkin' wealthy.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

If I'm on the toilet for more than two minutes, I take Dramamine. That's how nauseous I get.