Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1164

People are evacuating every day, right? Evacuating used to be a big deal. Now, it's like jury duty. Like, 'Great, gotta evacuate. You gonna go?' 'Nah, I'll see if I can get out of it.'

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is.

Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, "that poor woman."

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."

Assassinating someone is another way of saying "I care", just not in the way they'd want you to.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.