Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1165
What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!
I don't like the negative of reality tv - the "you're no good, so you have to leave, I choose you, but I thought you really loved me". It's all about how bad people are and I just hate that. I like Pimp my Ride where someone is helping somebody.
You might be a redneck if your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. (any number) Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.
When I’m with you I feel 3 pounds lighter. Probably because you bore the shit out of me... And I had a big lunch.
Ending a sentence with "yo", is like saying, "I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever." Know what I mean yo?
I had jobs that were as short as an hour and a half. One was putting circulars into newspapers, and I worked at it for 90 minutes before I said “I’m going to the bathroom” and never came back. I never spent a lot of time at a boring job. I’d either quit, or I’d try to make it fun and they would try to fire me. When I worked for a collections agency, I’d fuck with people until it became like a Jerky Boys routine. My bosses would tell me, “You’re still supposed to get the money from them.”
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"
You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie, the infamous Nazi.
Self hatred is a bitch. That being said, people who really like themselves rarely produce anything interesting or creative.
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.
I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?
The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.