Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1165

I'll take a vaction if I don't go.

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

He's the badass of the group - like if they get into some kind of Scooby-Doo scrape, he's the one that's gonna get them out.

I wish I had some superpowers. I was thinking about that the other day. Maybe quit comedy, fight some crime. Everybody wants to fly. That's the number one power. If I could grant you a power, "Dane, I'd love to fly." Yeah? Who the fuck doesn't? Who doesn't want to leave the show tonight and be like, "Alright I'll catch you guys later." Shwwooosh and zip up into the skies. "I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering splendor."

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.

In 20 years of comedy, I’ve probably had a dozen good points.

Ke$ha IS the walk of shame.

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they’re not ugly.

You got kids, and you want to pre-board an airplane? No. Fuck you. You wait till last. You're the problem. Let the homo pre-board.

You might be a redneck if your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. (any number) Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.