Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1165
If I'm on the toilet for more than two minutes, I take Dramamine. That's how nauseous I get.
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
I don't like the negative of reality tv - the "you're no good, so you have to leave, I choose you, but I thought you really loved me". It's all about how bad people are and I just hate that. I like Pimp my Ride where someone is helping somebody.
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
My friend said to me, "You're unreal - you'd fuck anything with a pulse!" A pulse? I'm not that fussy!
I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you’ve ever been there, you’ll realize that that’s maybe a bit long.
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
I hated my last boss. He asked, “Why are you two hours late?” I said, “I fell downstairs.” He said, “That doesn’t take two hours.”
You always think another time would have been ideal for you... the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.