Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1163

I don't fuck. Who needs it? I'm funnier without it.

There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.

If I keep all my disorders to a minimum every day then by about 2053 I should have a handle on practically nothing.

Got married again and I went on the Internet to see how happy everyone was for me. Fucking hell, it was awful. One woman... she said, 'Married again, eh? She's a user and he's a pervert.' And I'm like, 'How do they know us?'

Being sober for 18 years, now when I take prescribed medicine I pray for hip, side effects.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

That's what's so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.

A lot of debate about the war lately. Democrats saying pull out. Republicans saying finish the job. It's like the angel and devil on my shoulders during sex -- maybe I really am a Republican?

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."