Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1163
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
When I’m with you I feel 3 pounds lighter. Probably because you bore the shit out of me... And I had a big lunch.
Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.
I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".
The secret to a happy life is to have zero expectations and try to not trust prop comics.
You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two, I think - I think it's that. I think it's absolute - it's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights.
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.
If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
You might be a redneck if you own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!
According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take "a harder stance" on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair?