Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1163

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

My shrink told me I had an out-of-family experience when I was growing up.

The Bush Administration is always saying, "We don't hear the good news." Yeah, because the journalists are saying, "Cover me, I'm going to the ice machine."

I don’t know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I’m not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Britain should be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driver's seat, or in the passenger seat. That's good, cuz then you can take a sleep.

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don’t apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn ‘em and share ‘em. Then come to the show.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

It's rare to find a sentence that includes the word "amputate" that also ends with, "he said with a smile".

Long story longer...

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.