Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1163
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
That's what's so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.
You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.
My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.
I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.
I just broke up with a guy… it’s hard breaking up with them, ‘cause you have to be like, “Listen, you’ve run out of money.”
A lot of debate about the war lately. Democrats saying pull out. Republicans saying finish the job. It's like the angel and devil on my shoulders during sex -- maybe I really am a Republican?
I don't want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that's tragic. Because I don't want her to get the chance to pick out what I'm going to wear for eternity.
I'm not completely sure we aren't all living in a hallucination now.
I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night's sleep tonight.
It’s been a very old thing for people to gather together and laugh at stuff. The first comedian in America really was Abraham Lincoln. He used to go to a pub near where he lived and stand in front of the fire and he packed the place every night and he would just talk and bust everybody in their guts. He was just a hilarious speaker and that’s what he did.