Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1166

I’m not giving up on life. I’m giving up on today.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I like to think of murder-suicide as "extreme multitasking".

My nightmares have coming attractions.

As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a whole form and all his jokes are poems. So it's different. I wanted to do it like George Carlin. Now I do it like me.

I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.

Engrave this Quote Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.