Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1166

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

You can’t teach an old hater new truths.

I like to think of murder-suicide as "extreme multitasking".

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

You might be a redneck if your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a whole form and all his jokes are poems. So it's different. I wanted to do it like George Carlin. Now I do it like me.

Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.

I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, "Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?" And I said, "Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?"

Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, "that poor woman."

It’s been a very old thing for people to gather together and laugh at stuff. The first comedian in America really was Abraham Lincoln. He used to go to a pub near where he lived and stand in front of the fire and he packed the place every night and he would just talk and bust everybody in their guts. He was just a hilarious speaker and that’s what he did.

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

France participates. Does anyone want to be France?

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.