Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1166
You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. (any number) Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.
When I’m with you I feel 3 pounds lighter. Probably because you bore the shit out of me... And I had a big lunch.
Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" till the day I die.
My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
Got married again and I went on the Internet to see how happy everyone was for me. Fucking hell, it was awful. One woman... she said, 'Married again, eh? She's a user and he's a pervert.' And I'm like, 'How do they know us?'
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.