Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1167
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.
I wish I could say there was a magic formula, but I just kept working at it.
You might be a redneck if the diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."
Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.
If you've never had a colonic, imagine getting butt raped by a melting snowman. If you have had a colonic, are you sure it was a colonic?
I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.
I said to a guy, “Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?” And the guy said, “Well, it intensifies your personality.” And I said, “Yes, but what if you’re an asshole?”
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."