Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1167

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

It’s been a very old thing for people to gather together and laugh at stuff. The first comedian in America really was Abraham Lincoln. He used to go to a pub near where he lived and stand in front of the fire and he packed the place every night and he would just talk and bust everybody in their guts. He was just a hilarious speaker and that’s what he did.

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

France participates. Does anyone want to be France?

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.

If you feel comfortable in your own skin it's not yours.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

Be honest. How many of you never heard of Marco Rubio until last night? How many thought Marco Rubio was a game you played in a pool with the kids?

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.

Canadian bacon isn't bacon. It's ham.

If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't "juicy".