Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1167

You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When she is in a good mood it turns blue, but when she is in a bad mood there is a red mark across my forehead.

I lived in an apartment, and I had a neighbor. I knew that whenever he knocked on the wall, he wanted me to turn my music down. I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall!"

Natural child birth means no drugs will be administered into the female’s body during the delivery. The father can have all he wants.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

You might be a redneck if you consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

You can’t be a rational person six days a week and on one day of the week, go to a building, and think you are drinking the blood of a two thousand year old space god. That doesn’t make you a person of faith, that makes you a schizophrenic.

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of "show farting" out of the equation.

I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.

Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.