Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 118
A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.
If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?
I’m Jewish… We’re a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.
I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.
I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.'
I don't like the fact that people think Latinos wont vote for an African-American. It's bullshit. Were going to vote for the right person who can restore faith and hope in this country. Latinos feel disenfranchised. Obama's dream is our dream.
Moses, who said when he came out of Mount Sinai, "The food in that hospital is terrible!" Never got a dinner!
I have just learned that penguins are monogamous for life, which doesn't really surprise me all that much because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're going to meet a better looking penguin someday.
Sometimes it’s more noble to tell a small lie than to deliver a painful truth.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?