Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 118
I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.
My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.'
I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody. "Oh, she knows..." You got to take some time alone to process the shame.
A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
You can't say minimum wage to people when they're asking you questions. "What are you making now?" "Minimum wage. Yeah. Lowest amount legally possible. Yeah. That's where I'm at right now. Oh, they'd like to pay me less. But they can't. Legally they can't. I win! I'm the winner!"
A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My stand-up isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen.
We could walk into a Chinese restaurant right here in Chicago. And the waiter could have been born here, raised here, went to college here, he has never left the city limits. I'm the idiot that walks in that restaurant and goes [in exaggerated Chinese] "Uh, yes. I'll have fried rice. Egg roll..." And you can see him go "I am so going to spit in your food, I swear to God." And it drives my daughter crazy. 'Cause she goes "why do you do that? That is so insulting to them!"
Like I’ll never forget the last time, we played that game, she was like Anthony. If you could have lunch with anyone in the world living or dead who would it be. And I said I don’t know, Caligula and she was really Caligula, that’s your answer, that’s what you’re going to say to me your girlfriend: are you sure, I said I am sorry baby, let me change that, I’d have lunch with you and you’d be dead.