Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 118
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
Comedy today is definitely skewed to the filthy side, but it’s not as hard today as I am more mature as a comedian and a person. I’m a grown up now doing a kid’s job. Being a more mature Christian these days makes it easier than when I first started. Now I get to do shows of my choosing and a lot of folks attending the shows know my work and expect a clean show.
I think there's a part, just a part of comedians, that is still childlike.
It's so ironic because gay bashers were the ones labeling me in high school. I try and write satire that's well-intentioned. But those intentions have to be hidden. It can't be completely clear and that's what makes it comedy.
Sure, the lion is king of the jungle but airdrop him into Antarctica, and he's just a penguin's bitch.
I can’t keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian’s husband and his friends.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
I really respect peple who try. People who say, "No, I’m actually going to do the best I can." That said, you want to do the best you can while remaining who you are.
Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.
There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.
I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.
If you vote against Obama because he can't get stuff done, it’s kind of like saying 'This guy can’t cure cancer. I’m gonna vote for cancer.'