Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 118
If you watch porn while listening to banjo music, everyone on screen seems related.
Moses, who said when he came out of Mount Sinai, "The food in that hospital is terrible!" Never got a dinner!
Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.
They're not very good at naming Popes as well. They had a run of Piuses, it went like Hollywood, they had Pope Pius the first, the second, Pope Pius the third "The revenge of Pope Pius". Pope Pius the fourth, "This time he's pissed off." Pope Pius the fifth in 3D!
I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.'
I praticed making faces in the mirror and it would drive my mother crazy. She used to scare me by saying that I was going to see the devil if I kept looking in the mirror. That fascinated me even more, of course.
Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there’s like this whole added pressure to perform. ‘Cause it’s kinda like you’re not just humping for yourself. You’re humping for your race. You got to represent your people.
Stan Musial, who said, "Why didn't they make me the first Polish pope? I was such a good Cardinal." Never got a dinner!
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I found a grey hair in my beard the other day, and that can mean one of two things. I'm either getting old or I'm a fucking wizard!
If you believe there is a God, a God that made your body, and yet you think that you can do anything with that body that's dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.
Comedy today is definitely skewed to the filthy side, but it’s not as hard today as I am more mature as a comedian and a person. I’m a grown up now doing a kid’s job. Being a more mature Christian these days makes it easier than when I first started. Now I get to do shows of my choosing and a lot of folks attending the shows know my work and expect a clean show.