Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 118
The next time you're out wherever you go to meet boys - a bar, a club, Little Caesars, whatever you like to do - and you see a guy that's hot, go up to him and punch him in the face. If you're hot, he'll be like, 'That was really cute. Why did you punch me? You're so adorable, that didn't hurt. Come back, let me show you how to punch. Don't put your thumb in, you'll break it. Let me cup your boob uncomfortably while I show you this.' If you're ugly - boom. He's knocking you out 'cause no guy's going to take that from an ugly chick.
We have blacks and whites, Jews and Arabs, Serbs and Croats, and Filipinos and Vietnamese here. At the end of the day, everyone is each other's brother.
Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?
No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
Stan Musial, who said, "Why didn't they make me the first Polish pope? I was such a good Cardinal." Never got a dinner!
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
When I was a kid, Dunkin' Donuts had two things: coffee and donuts, and that was it! You took the donut, dunked it in the coffee, thus the fucking title of the place!
I was watchin' the news the other day, and I heard them talking about a criminal named Brian Regan same spelling and everything. He's gonna be in jail for the rest of his life. So I'm sitting there doing a crossword puzzle and all of a sudden I hear, "It is unknown whether the charges against Brian Regan will lead to his execution." "Guess I can put this down. Honey, did we pay that parking ticket?!"
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'
I really respect peple who try. People who say, "No, I’m actually going to do the best I can." That said, you want to do the best you can while remaining who you are.
Moses, who said when he came out of Mount Sinai, "The food in that hospital is terrible!" Never got a dinner!
A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.