Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 118

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Then comes the kicker: Say the alphabet – backwards. "Well, shit, you got me. I'm not drunk, but I'm obviously too stupid to be driving, God damn it."

Why is it that they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the Bible when he's with a woman alone in a motel room? Why would he be interested? Whatever he's praying for, he's already got!

I think it's a good thing that emotional scars are invisible because if emotional scars were visible porn would be disgusting.

I’m Jewish… We’re a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.

Now the freaks are on television, the freaks are in the movies. And it's no longer the sideshow, it's the whole show. The colorful circus and the clowns and the elephants, for all intents and purposes, are gone, and we're dealing only with the freaks.

My grandmother, on the stage, has an abortion! Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland pony! My grandfather is the jockey, comes in third and paid $2.80!

I hate bigots so much it makes me one.

If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

I think that if anyone bothered to take a survey, they would find a sharp decline in atheism during the winters in Cleveland, Ohio.

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles.