Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1171
I do not know if God exists, but if there is, I hope he has a good excuse!
I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, "Gay pride, white power!" just to confuse people.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
It's something that occurs to me many times in my movies. They can often be treated comically or dramatically, and I usually opt to treat them comically. But it occurred to me that you could get a story and you could fool around with it both ways.
I had trouble with the last relationship. I got scared a little bit and had two Amish people come over who were friends of mine. They had an erection raising.
You know, I've had Botox. The woman who does it is very good, obviously. Very conservative.
You might be a redneck if you got into a fistfight at your last yard sale.
So I was watching this one show where - there's a guy on stage and he pretends he has contact with the dead and spirits talk to him...[Some people in the audience give suggestions, one of which is Crossing Over.] Crossing–...no, no, no, no, no, it was, uh, church. It was church.
Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
You might be a redneck if you've ever bought lingerie at a yard sale.
You might be a redneck if somebody hollers "ho-down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.
The Americans want to build a big tower on the site of September the 11th. Freedom Tower they're going to call it but now apparently they're worried and they're looking at ways to try and make it terrorist proof. I think they should have just build a giant fucking mosque. No one is going to fly into that are they?! Or even better, a runway. How galling would it be to high-jack a plane, and then come in and make a fucking text book landing.
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.