Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1171

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.

Nightmares are killing me so I'm going to sleep doing impressions.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

You know, I've had Botox. The woman who does it is very good, obviously. Very conservative.

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.

You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. (any number) Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.

Living is messy.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

You might be a redneck if somebody hollers "ho-down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.