Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1171

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

You might be a redneck if you list your parole officer as a reference.

I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

Or you'll get on your cell phone, which is really smart. "Oh I'm gonna be late!" That's fuckin smart: to drive with one of those fuckin things in your hand. It's bad enough that people are in supermarkets -- "Honey, I love you." FUCK YOU, okay? Shut-up! I'm trying to buy a tomato, okay, got it? I'm even carrying mine, this piece of shit. This is Sprint. [someone cheers] Oh.. FUCK SPRINT. okay? You work for those idiots, I need to talk to you. "Every call is crystal clear." Yeah, right: to yourself! You can hear you!

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.