Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1172

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

The Americans want to build a big tower on the site of September the 11th. Freedom Tower they're going to call it but now apparently they're worried and they're looking at ways to try and make it terrorist proof. I think they should have just build a giant fucking mosque. No one is going to fly into that are they?! Or even better, a runway. How galling would it be to high-jack a plane, and then come in and make a fucking text book landing.

Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

If you're keeping score at home, so far our war in Iraq has created a police state in that country and socialism in Spain. So, no democracies yet, but we're really getting close.

I just fired my shrink. She called me the "Every-Mess."

I’m not giving up on life. I’m giving up on today.

If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are.

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

They have bits sliced off and tied up and sucked out. I want to say to them, ‘You lazy f—ing fat pig. Just go for a run and stop eating burgers. You might fucking die’.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.