Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1177

I'm a peripheral visionary.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

You always think another time would have been ideal for you... the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don't always win.

I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion... but it won't get much sleep.

I’m the Forrest Gump of comedy.

If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.

I try to live in the moment but other people ruin it.

Death’s vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

Don't take death for granted.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you're going to strike out.