Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1177
If I just sit here every Friday night and spout Bush administration talking points, that's not information or entertainment, it's Fox News!
You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.
Silly things make you laugh and if they do, fuck it. I was on a train and we went through a place called Didcot Ladygrove. I was laughing already, but my friend topped it by going, “I’ll bet that’s what the Queen calls her vagina.”
They flew me out in this plane that was only first class. It was all first class. It was the most psychotic thing I've ever seen in my life. The drinking that went on - it was like Mardi Gras. The nose of the plane started to develop red veins.
The only time used underwear is valuable is as evidence during a rape trial.
We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
I don't trust you. I don't like you, and I don't respect you. That being said, I'm bored out of my mind and I'd like to invite you to dinner.
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?