Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1177
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
A cop just pulled me over and told me to stop blaming my childhood.
It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
[On the Catholic Church's sex scandals] And y'know, they're God's representatives, so that means... God fucks little boys.
I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.
There's a kind of racism in the south that is really so steadfast and true that I almost kind of begrudgingly, you know, admire it in a way, and that is that there are segregated graveyards. That just to me defies all logic...but it's also, like, "Well, hats off...you're going to stick to your guns on that one, and take that shit to the grave? All right!" There's enough people to go, "Naw, man..ugh, I don't even wanna think about it. My dead, lifeless, rotting, maggot-infested corpse...next to some black man's? Ewww!!! That's gross!" But that does pose an interesting scenario, because, what's going to happen when the zombies rise out of their graves? ... "We must take over the human race-- wait, what were you?" "I'm black." "Fuck you, nigger, you can't come." "What? No! But I'm a skeleton, you can't tell!" "Fuck youuu..."
I don't think you can know God unless you're passionate about him so you're either screaming at him, enraptured with the idea of being around him or feeling him in your life.
My friend said to me, "You're unreal - you'd fuck anything with a pulse!" A pulse? I'm not that fussy!
And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.
My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved..
President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.