Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1176

As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy! Let's get out of here!

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

And you know that family, every few months, for years, from time to time, whatever it is they're doing they would just stop, stop and look at each other and go... what the fuck did they take?

Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

My shrink is so baffled she now blames her own childhood for my anxiety.

My nightmares have coming attractions.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.