Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1176
Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off.
He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.
If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.
I don't like little chip and pin machines. I don't like that they tell you what to do. 'Hand me back to the merchant!' like a bossy toddler.
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.
What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!
I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men…I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. (woman in audience says “Not buying that”) No? That one, you don’t believe it? You believe that I didn’t do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I’m going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what’s described as a 'joke.' Um, I’ll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.