Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1178
Isn't Bush the worst president ever? I mean, when his term is over, he has to walk back to Texas.
I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
I hate you Google. You’ve caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I share a computer with my girlfriend. She’ll look up anything. “I’m going to look up apples today.” She just hits “A.” It’s like, “Asian Ass Porn” instantly. Google’s like, “I’ll take it from here. I know exactly what you’re looking up. Any time you hit A it’s ‘Asian Ass Porn.’” Google, all I ask is you let her type three letters before you come to such a bold conclusion.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
When you bump into your own mom at an orgy, it's hard not to get her to read into certain things.
One of the coolest things about the word "boobs" is, when you look at it, it has boobs.
Where is the good will in the thought, "I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?"
I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, "Gay pride, white power!" just to confuse people.
I've had some bad shows where I just sucked, but I've had some assholes, too. Some guy stood up Saturday night and said 'This is the same shit you've been peddling the last five times you've been here.' That's your biggest fear: someone who knows every word you've ever said.
Lot of debate about the war lately. Democrats saying pull out. Republicans saying finish the job. It’s like the angel and devil on my shoulders during sex.
You rarely get a convincing lecture on "playing to your strength" from a bald guy with a ponytail.