Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1178
[On the Catholic Church's sex scandals] And y'know, they're God's representatives, so that means... God fucks little boys.
I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.
There's a kind of racism in the south that is really so steadfast and true that I almost kind of begrudgingly, you know, admire it in a way, and that is that there are segregated graveyards. That just to me defies all logic...but it's also, like, "Well, hats off...you're going to stick to your guns on that one, and take that shit to the grave? All right!" There's enough people to go, "Naw, man..ugh, I don't even wanna think about it. My dead, lifeless, rotting, maggot-infested corpse...next to some black man's? Ewww!!! That's gross!" But that does pose an interesting scenario, because, what's going to happen when the zombies rise out of their graves? ... "We must take over the human race-- wait, what were you?" "I'm black." "Fuck you, nigger, you can't come." "What? No! But I'm a skeleton, you can't tell!" "Fuck youuu..."
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angels gained a few pounds since we started going out.
And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.
My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
You might be a redneck if you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.