Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1179

To me, comedy is a game.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. <br /> [ looks around] I'm fucked.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.

You might be a redneck if you can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

But the one recurring motif in these [80s] videos that I wish would come back were the bands that could rock so hard, they could change the physical properties of things. They would blow holes through walls or they’d walk up to your crappy Geo and go - SCRIBBLY FLABBIDY DOO - and all of sudden it’s a sleek Lamborgini.

Engrave this Quote Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.

I once felt bad because I had no blog, and then I met a man who had no podcast.