Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1179
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
You know, I've had Botox. The woman who does it is very good, obviously. Very conservative.
Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.
I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.
I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.
President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
You might be a redneck if you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car off of her baby. 'Course I would have said, "Dude! Back up." But, wasn't my kid. When I was born, if I'd have known all the stuff my dad was going to do for me, I'd have crawled right back in.