Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1179

Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution? Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore.

You might be a redneck if your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

"Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family."

Living is messy.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

My father has a high opinion of his opinion.

You're 18 years old, you're in a 7-11, you don't know shit about shit and PULL UP YOUR PANTS!

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

Do fish get cramps after eating?

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

My uncle put his finger in my no-no!