Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1179

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

I don’t really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I’ve been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn’t call that hanging out.

When I was growing up, my mom would have a toast at the beginning of a reunion: 'You're killing your father.'

My nan used to look after me in the summer holidays and she had a cat with one eye. It used to walk into walls and tables. I used to think it was hilarious. It was a slapstick cat.

If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, "Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness".

I don’t think I’d have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago [...] I’d have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land [...] With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

We got completely lost driving in, and we asked the way, yeah, why is it that when you ask for directions you always get the village-fucking-idiot!

Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.

Remember the good old days when "smuggling an underwear bomb" meant walking around with shit in your pants?

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.

I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.