Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1180

My uncle put his finger in my no-no!

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

I want a girl just like the girl that Dad kept on the side.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

You know you've been listening to too much hip hop when you're response to a red light is "can't stop, won't stop son!".

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.

I can't be in two places at one time unless I'm alone.

Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they’re saying.

I belong to a gym now. Well, let me rephrase that: I don't belong there at all, but I go.