Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1180

I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair... and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.

You might be a redneck if more than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.

To me, comedy is a game.

My nightmares have coming attractions.

I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.

Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

But the one recurring motif in these [80s] videos that I wish would come back were the bands that could rock so hard, they could change the physical properties of things. They would blow holes through walls or they’d walk up to your crappy Geo and go - SCRIBBLY FLABBIDY DOO - and all of sudden it’s a sleek Lamborgini.

Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses.