Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1181
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they’re saying.
Engrave this Quote Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.
There’s nowhere I won’t go. As long as it’s horribly, horribly true and or wrong.
My shrink is so baffled she now blames her own childhood for my anxiety.
They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy."
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
Be honest. How many of you never heard of Marco Rubio until last night? How many thought Marco Rubio was a game you played in a pool with the kids?
Lot of debate about the war lately. Democrats saying pull out. Republicans saying finish the job. It’s like the angel and devil on my shoulders during sex.
If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't "juicy".
I had trouble with the last relationship. I got scared a little bit and had two Amish people come over who were friends of mine. They had an erection raising.
I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.