Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1181

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

Lot of debate about the war lately. Democrats saying pull out. Republicans saying finish the job. It’s like the angel and devil on my shoulders during sex.

I get intimacy booster shots once a week at my doctor.

I need you to love me, I don’t like me, either, if that helps.

I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.

You might be a redneck if your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

You might be a redneck if your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.