Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1181
George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people... <br /> George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!
Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.
America doesn't need libraries; you don’t need books here. There are plenty of books in the world, and plenty of people who've read them. It's not your area of expertise.... Stick to what you are truly great at -- TV.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Comics don't usually have very long careers, and I'm 22 years into this.
Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.
[On the Catholic Church's sex scandals] And y'know, they're God's representatives, so that means... God fucks little boys.
Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.