Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1182
My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I’m completely disconnected.
Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.
Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"
Self hatred is a bitch. That being said, people who really like themselves rarely produce anything interesting or creative.
I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
It's rare to find a sentence that includes the word "amputate" that also ends with, "he said with a smile".
You might be a redneck if you've totaled every car you've ever owned.