Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1182
My friend said to me, "You're unreal - you'd fuck anything with a pulse!" A pulse? I'm not that fussy!
Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there’s a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.
The only time used underwear is valuable is as evidence during a rape trial.
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
I like to be able to connect with people. And that’s how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.
My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”
You might be a redneck if you have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the... Get your... I'll put a... Get out of my face!"
You might be a redneck if motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.