Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1182

I lost my virginity alone... at least that's what the chick told me.

Artistic idols of mine who died got an average mention of 22 seconds on the local news. Bottom-line fame-seekers, sleep with news anchors.

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.

Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. "Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard".

You might be a redneck if you pick your teeth from a catalog.

I really don't require a whole lot in life.

According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take "a harder stance" on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair?

You might be a redneck if... your child's first words are 'Attention K-Mart shoppers!'

When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer...

This book is just a collection of my drawings. I never really showed them to anybody but my wife, and she always laughed at them.

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold "Beard Of Bees" competitions.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'