Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1200

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

You might be a redneck if your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can’t pelt them with poop.

C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.

Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.

Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing.

In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

Vampire fad just won’t die. Makes sense, I guess.

Nothing says used car dealership like wacky inflatable tube men writhing about in the wind

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.