Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1200
Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.
How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car off of her baby. 'Course I would have said, "Dude! Back up." But, wasn't my kid. When I was born, if I'd have known all the stuff my dad was going to do for me, I'd have crawled right back in.
In the 80's we had high, high, waisted pants, that if they came up any higher they'd have to go up another size, if you know what I mean.
A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.
On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.
[In the Pharmacy] The guy turns to me -- I was in the aisle -- and he goes, 'Hey, you think I should go for the two-ply or the regular?' I was like, 'Man, if you're even thinking two-ply, maybe you shouldn't fuck her.'
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.
You have to just marvel at the stun-gun absurdity of fighting to the death over what happens after you die.
I just started a fire in a crowded movie theater. Nobody said shit.
I think we need to change that old saying, "I don't need a building to fall on me." Because two did and we still don't get it. I think we all stick our head in the sand as a deep human impulse.