Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1200

I don't have time to live in the moment right now.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

You might be a redneck if you smoked during your wedding.

I just want to be killer funny. You know kick ass piss in your pants run out of the theatre and rip you dick off and throw yourself into traffic funny!

"You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither."

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, “Oh, they’re nice.” But if the stranger’s ugly, you’re like, “What do they want? Get away from me weirdo.”

Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can’t tell, of course, because of the Botox.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.

Originally we were going to title it The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off, but it was too long.

Why by a book when you can join a library.

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'

People only have so much attention.