Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1216
I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."
I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.
I like the way you don't like me, but still let me have sex with you because you don't like yourself.
...and there aint a goddamn thing anybody can do about it, you know why? Because we've got the bombs! That's why, yeah! Two words: NUCLEAR FUCKIN' WEAPONS! OK?!
You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie, the infamous Nazi.
So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get mad about it, it just means they don’t know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn’t dare interrupt their game of croquet.
I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn't be trying these things. That's ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks.
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we’re arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It’s like, there’s a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I’m going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.