Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1216
TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.
Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.
I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.
This relationship is preventing me from becoming everything I can be as a world class masturbator. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.
It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!
I like having a cold. I get to take my favorite drug, which is NyQuil… NyQuil is 180 proof. It’s the moonshine of medicine… When I got a cold I want something that’s going to screw me up. Because that way the blur seems interesting. NyQuil comes in two colors: red and green. And it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
I just started a fire in a crowded movie theater. Nobody said shit.
Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18[gibberish]. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You"
I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat. Unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.
Why couldn't, uh, why couldn't have Rush Limbaugh croaked from it instead of Heath Ledger?
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy - location, location, location.
Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he's my friend now, we start hanging out. But we're still the same people. So we'd go out on Sunday, you know, and just be hanging out, then he'd, like, pick a guy, and we'd just go beat the crap out of that guy as a team. Memories, huh?