Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 122
We were in the park flying a kite and a guy walks up and says "You flying a kite?" "Nope, we're fishing for birds." Here's your sign!
I have nephews. They love spending time with us. T they love it because we let them do whatever they want to do - they're not our kids, we don't care. 'Only thing I have to do is keep you alive, that's it.' They come visit us, man - 'Oh what? Oh, no dinner? Alright, fine, hey - ice cream all day, how about that? I don't have to cook a damn thing. Just scoop it out. There you go. Eat up. I don't pay your dental bills.'
What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.
Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.
I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.
People are taking the act too seriously. The Diceman character is a macho moron. It's juvenile comedy. I just like to make people laugh.
I don’t litter. I don’t throw garbage in the street. Not because I care about the Earth. But I’m afraid I’m going to be walking through the park drinking a soda and when I’m done, I just throw it over my shoulder, it’ll fly over a bush and land on some dead white woman’s head with my fingerprints on the can. Now I’m the Pepsi-Cola Rapist because I’m lazy.
Hell yeah, I still wear zoot suits on stage!!! I don’t care that they went out of style in the 30s and that I went out of style in the 80s. Look at it like this: You know how Gallagher smashes watermelons and Larry the Cable Guy says ‘Get Er Done’ and Bill Hicks deconstructs society and enlightens people with the truth in a deeply hilarious way? Well, I wear horrendous looking outfits on stage. That’s my thing. And, dare I say, it’s worked out pretty damn well for me. Everybody in the world used to know who I was twenty five years ago. And that’s due in large part to the dalmatian neckties and the piano key neckties I would wear. Neck wear actually made me a legend! How many people can say that or would even want to say that? Not many. Tucker Carlson, maybe…
You know that show 'Teen Mom'? Or if you're from the South, 'Mom.'
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone.
I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?
I still like doing stand-up now, but it's not the same. It used to be that I was out there with five other comedians. Now I usually just do it alone.