Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 121
I found a grey hair in my beard the other day, and that can mean one of two things. I'm either getting old or I'm a fucking wizard!
Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: "When you gonna wear these for me?" She goes, "I can't. They're your daughter's." "Aaahh! No, no, no!" There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
I don’t litter. I don’t throw garbage in the street. Not because I care about the Earth. But I’m afraid I’m going to be walking through the park drinking a soda and when I’m done, I just throw it over my shoulder, it’ll fly over a bush and land on some dead white woman’s head with my fingerprints on the can. Now I’m the Pepsi-Cola Rapist because I’m lazy.
I still like doing stand-up now, but it's not the same. It used to be that I was out there with five other comedians. Now I usually just do it alone.
I can’t keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian’s husband and his friends.
If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?
The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!
A lot of my friends, when girls break up with them, they get all bitter and vengeful and take it out on the girl. They, like, call her at four o'clock in the morning, going, 'Bitch.' Like she doesn't know who it is? Yeah, for a second, she's like, 'Grandpa?'
I have nothing against the planet per se. I root for the big comet or asteroid as a way of cleansing the planet. The comet or asteroid 65 million years ago is probably what gave us our opening to replace the reptiles.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Sometimes it’s more noble to tell a small lie than to deliver a painful truth.
When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain... "I wasn't invited to this party." But then, once you're in love, that's like being inside that party, going "Where's my jacket? I wanna get outta here. where's my jacket? I been to this party six years and I wanna see other parties! Where's my jacket. Someone shit on the coats. I think someone shit on, about, or around the coats."