Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 121
I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.
The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
Of course he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.
Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
Look, I made a commitment to corn 17 years ago. Sure, I'm a man. I like to go to a barbecue and see beans that I like: baked beans, red beans, black beans, big plump garbanzos. But in the end, I always come home to my sweet, sweet corn.
At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, "You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck."
Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.
Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"