Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 121

For some reason and I don't know why, but I don't think that I'm funny in California. So I always want to do my movies east somewhere.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

I have nephews. They love spending time with us. T they love it because we let them do whatever they want to do - they're not our kids, we don't care. 'Only thing I have to do is keep you alive, that's it.' They come visit us, man - 'Oh what? Oh, no dinner? Alright, fine, hey - ice cream all day, how about that? I don't have to cook a damn thing. Just scoop it out. There you go. Eat up. I don't pay your dental bills.'

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I can’t keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian’s husband and his friends.

You can’t go to the bathroom alone… you might not come back. Cause no girl’s ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It’s true. The last woman that attempted it, it was 1937 and her name was Amelia Earhart.

Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.

Of course he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

They're putting the cart before the horse on this pornography issue. Playboy doesn't cause sexual thoughts. There are sexual thoughts, and, therefore, there is Playboy. Don't you see? I know these sound like deep philosophical questions, "What came first, the hard-on or the Madonna video?" and "If a hard-on falls in the forest, do you go blind?" and "What does an atheist scream when they come?"

What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.