Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 121

He used to give me one rose, too. Watch out for the one rose givers. He used to say, 'This is one rose for you because you are one special lady.' Yeah, I fell for that mess. After a while, I was like, 'No, no, no, no - this is one rose because you are one cheap bastard - that's what this is.'

If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.

We had a teacher, named Mr. Brown, and he was writing something on the board once - he was writing something on the board, and he farted. And you would have thought kids had seen the face of God. Kids weren't even laughing; they were just sitting there screaming, just screaming. Kids had to get carted out; kids were screaming. Kids had to get carted out, and they were going to the nurses' office. Kids are crying in the hallway. 'Oh, this is our 9/11.' And it was. It was their 9/11 'cause they never thought anything like that could ever happen.

Oh, and once, when I was in the Marines, I got a perfect score on my physical fitness test.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

And if I die early the situation will be auto-erotic asphyxiation, I hate my life and it hates me back!

A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.

People are taking the act too seriously. The Diceman character is a macho moron. It's juvenile comedy. I just like to make people laugh.

I ain't afraid to give you one across the lips!

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions.

“But evolution is only a theory!” Which is true. I mean, it is only a theory, it’s good that they say that. I think, it gives you hope, doesn’t it? That… that maybe they feel the same way about the theory of gravity, and they might just float the fuck away.