Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 123
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
I have no desire to be hip to the latest black slang and do the stereotypical black thing. I was a Richard Pryor fan, and I have used profanity in my act. But when it becomes a whole thing that defines blacks, we're limiting ourselves. The enemy is us.
The food here is so tasteless you could eat a meal of it and belch and it wouldn't remind you of anything.
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's always had an agent do that.
The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.
I found out one of my old partners, Larry, is in jail now. Larry got 25 years for something he didn't do. He didn't run fast enough.
I can't floss my teeth. People tell me how hard it is to stop smoking; I think it's about as hard as it is to start flossing.
So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America … but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.
When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.
My ex-girlfriend, who shall remain nameless – if I’m ever left alone at her tombstone with a sandblaster.