Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 123
People are taking the act too seriously. The Diceman character is a macho moron. It's juvenile comedy. I just like to make people laugh.
The God's honest truth is that I'm probably funnier, but he's smarter. Here's the thing about Stern - he's really a smart guy. He's nutty. He's outrageous. He's all those things, but he's also a very smart guy.
The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone.
Boxing kept me out of the streets, by giving me something to do. And it gave me a father figure in the coach that was there for me. I just reiterated what my mother was trying to teach me about focusing and getting my life together.
My wife is a saint. She’s Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won’t eat.
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
I'm callin' you ugly, I could stick yo face in some dough and make some gorilla cookies.
Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning 50 feet off shore, he'd throw you a 30 foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.
I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.
Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!
Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years...
I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!