Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 123
I've never made the connection between physical pain and sexual arousal, because when we were kids my dad used to kick the shit out of us and if he saw you getting a boner - game over.
I would love to have the faith to believe that the world was created in seven days... but I have thoughts... and that can really fuck up the faith thing, just ask any Catholic priest.
The God's honest truth is that I'm probably funnier, but he's smarter. Here's the thing about Stern - he's really a smart guy. He's nutty. He's outrageous. He's all those things, but he's also a very smart guy.
There's been times when I have actually had sex indoors. And then you kind of sober up a little when it's over. I become like a bartender at 2 AM. "OK, people, let's move it out! Yeah, you don't have to go home but you can’t stay here."
If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.
The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, "I've got one question: What color is the red phone?"
Boxing kept me out of the streets, by giving me something to do. And it gave me a father figure in the coach that was there for me. I just reiterated what my mother was trying to teach me about focusing and getting my life together.
I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.
Jesus, as a philosopher is wonderful. There's no greater role model, in my view, than Jesus Christ. It's just a shame that most of the people who follow him and call themselves Christians act nothing like him.
My wife is a saint. She’s Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won’t eat.
The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.