Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1224

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

Celebrated father's day by congratulating myself for not having a kid.

I'd rather send out a mass email then hang posters all over the place.

I do not like sports, unless you consider treating all humankind with love and respect a sport.

We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag …? "No..." "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!"

A beautiful woman chased me down the street yesterday. She shouted and screamed, tried to grab me, ripped my at my clothes and pulled my hair. After about five minutes, I said, "Okay, lady. Keep your handbag."

"[To a member of the audience] You look like my friend Debbie. That's really weird … do you get that a lot? [Pause] It's sad, though, 'cause you know, we're not really friends anymore. But, uh, it's not your fault. Seriously, it was 'cause she's, um … not born again Christian … oh! pathological liar."

I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of.

Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that…shite.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

I'll never die. Been there done that.

I like my coffee like I like my women...covered in beeees!

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!

I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.