Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1224

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

What is the fear of the 'gay agenda' that has so upset people? Do people think that if gay people are given a place at the table, they'll be so convincing we'll all end up blowing them? What is the issue? 'You know, I'm straight, but you've made such a convincing argument...'

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

My final point about alchohol, about drugs, about Pornography...What business is it of your's what I do, read, buy, see or take into my body as long as I don't harm another human being whilst on this planet? And for those of you having a little moral dilemna on how to answer this, I'll answer for you. NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS Take that to the bank, cash it and take it on a vacation outta my fucking life. And stop bringing shotguns to UFO sightings, they might be here to pick me up and take me with 'em.

Ever noticed that people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved?

Take the money and run.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."

I'll never die. Been there done that.

You might be a redneck if you have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".

You might be a redneck if when you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

I don't get emails from my corporate overlords.

I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.

It was so important for me just to have my ex feel good in bed. The low point was when I started to sing, 'Here we go, orgasm! Here we go!' And then when it finally happened, running a victory lap - that was sad. And the high fives, wasn't that unnecessary?

If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.