Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1224
I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
I'd rather send out a mass email then hang posters all over the place.
Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.
I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, "Look at the fairy!" I was a wood nymph.
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
I’m not very good with people. Even when I was little, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. And I’d be like, “I guess we’ll meet up later.” And he’d be like, “Whatever, queer.”