Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1226
The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.
The first day of spring is known as the "vernal equinox." The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.
Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I’m glad the PC police haven’t made us change March Madness to "early spring psychosis."
I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if I'm paying to see a comedy then I just want to see who's funniest, with everyone treated equally. I'm not going to say, 'Oh, I should see a woman this time because I saw a man last time.' It's hard to have blanket opinions.
I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot [on the road as a standup comic], between airport security and the weather...I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.
The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!
Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.
It's the cutting edge of politics in a very extraordinarily boring way!
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.
A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.
I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.