Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1226
I like having a cold. I get to take my favorite drug, which is NyQuil… NyQuil is 180 proof. It’s the moonshine of medicine… When I got a cold I want something that’s going to screw me up. Because that way the blur seems interesting. NyQuil comes in two colors: red and green. And it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
I don't like the term 'intercourse'. I've always described sex as having taken her vagina 'into custody'.
If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.
Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.
It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.
I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'
It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.
I think the best thing to keep in a safe is a note that says “Nice try, asshole."