Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1232
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
I walked into my son's room the other day, and he's got four screens going at the same time. He's watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say "He's got ADD." Fuck that, he's multitasking.
I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as "not at all attracted to me".
People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.
I’m always looking for something new to say. That’s the problem with doing it for this long, thinking of what haven’t I beaten to death that I care about? You try to break yourself out of your comfort zone, because comfort is deadly for a comedian. There’s a reason why jokes start with “Don’t you hate it when…?” and not “Do you know what’s really great?”
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
You don’t know anything about pain… You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.