Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1232

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

But there's only so long that shit like that can hang around your apartment before you have to stick your dick in it.

Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.

[about breath strips] Can we not suck anymore?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

You might be a redneck if during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?