Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1232
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."
I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."
I walked into my son's room the other day, and he's got four screens going at the same time. He's watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say "He's got ADD." Fuck that, he's multitasking.
The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.
You might be a redneck if during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You might be a redneck if you've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.
I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.