Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1232

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something! What tricks does this guy have? "I'm in a box...and I ain't gonna eat.". "I'm in a box...and I ain't gonna eat!!"! That ain't no trick! That's called living in the projects!

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.

Always laugh second.

I went into a restaurant. The menu said “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

You might be a redneck if your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.

Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn’t mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.