Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1233

The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

We are $14.3 trillion in debt, but the good news is we’ve got 14.3 trillion airline miles.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

My wife's favourite position is back to back.

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.

And my sex life is nothing to crow about. At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake...We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. And monkeys do too… if they have a gun.

The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.