Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1233

I was a poster child... for birth control!

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men doing manly things: “You just killed a small animal. It’s time for a light beer.” Why not have a realistic beer commercial? ... “It’s five o’clock in the morning. You just pissed on a dumpster. It’s Miller time.”

Saying, "have a great work-out" is like saying, "I hope you pull something".

America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

I don't know how it didn't work out. How can a man who like other men and a woman who drinks not get along? The interesting thing is: there is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minnelli.

Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn’t mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe.

You might be a redneck if you've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.

How can I die? I'm booked.

You might be a redneck if getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.