Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1234

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.

I have a dog, a lovely animal… I’m feeding him dog food that’s numbered. I’m not sure what it is, but they got it for everything. One for puppy, two for the middle dog, three for the gay dog, four for the whatever. On up. I’m looking at the can and it says on there “for the dog that suffers constipated.” The way I look at it, if you’re dog is constipated, why mess with a good thing.

You might be a redneck if getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Comedy is rarely funny.

Guys don't use the word "pretty" enough. Like, "hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you".

For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

He rules the country with an iron fist - the same way he plays the piano.