Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1234
You might be a redneck if getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.
A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.
Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.
I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.
I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."
I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, "You come back, you hear?" And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, "Just up the road apiece."
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!
Nepal is the most fun place in the world. You’ve got monkeys roaming around, cremations and animal sacrifices. And there’s no vehicle that you’re not welcome to ride on top of. The country could have been invented by Beavis and Butt-head. Even the gods have nice breasts.