Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1234
Saying, "have a great work-out" is like saying, "I hope you pull something".
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.
He rules the country with an iron fist - the same way he plays the piano.
I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.
The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.
I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."
Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men doing manly things: “You just killed a small animal. It’s time for a light beer.” Why not have a realistic beer commercial? ... “It’s five o’clock in the morning. You just pissed on a dumpster. It’s Miller time.”
People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.
If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.
Everyone, calm down. I met with Mr. Cent about a potential project. There's nothing to report yet, I'll let you know if there is.