Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1241

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

The Bible, if you read it, looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs. “And then God made woman out of a rib. A rib! Look at that.”

The sky already fell. Now what?

I wasn't paying attention, what was wrong with me?

You don’t get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.

I love comedians. They're my community.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I don't know what the fuck was going on with the Scottish education board in the 1970's. It was like: 'Do you like whiskey? Do you hate kids? The job's yours.'

I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.