Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1241
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: naive.
See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”
You might be a redneck if you need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
Like many of her sex, Sophie was fiercely competitive with other women, working on the crackpot theory that if she could be better in some way, men would like her more, respect her. Make her happy. She never cottoned on that the men she was attracted to, the men who found her attractive, didn’t like women.
Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.
It’s so beautiful outside, I’m thrilled you guys took the time to come inside. On my tour for my first book, this was my favorite stop. For real. I’m not even kissing you guys’ asses.
When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
I'll bet a lot more people would use the phrase 'go fuck yourself' more often if no one needed money.
People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.
My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.