Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1241
My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.
A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.
You might be a redneck if your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I’ve got to change stuff. Then I’m not doing it.
I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!
There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
You don’t get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.
You might be a redneck if your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You might be a redneck if your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.