Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1240

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

Then you get these articles about how unhealthy life is in the city. You know; mobile phone tumours - far more likely in the city; Well you know what, so is everything else! Including sex, coffee and conversation.

My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.

I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.

In my day, girls used to get pinned in high school. That was the big thing. Now they’re getting nailed.

You might be a redneck if you saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I’ve got to change stuff. Then I’m not doing it.