Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1240
Like many of her sex, Sophie was fiercely competitive with other women, working on the crackpot theory that if she could be better in some way, men would like her more, respect her. Make her happy. She never cottoned on that the men she was attracted to, the men who found her attractive, didn’t like women.
In honor of Earth Day, tonight’s program will be made up of 100 percent recycled jokes.
Even though it’s warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.
A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.
You might be a redneck if you need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.