Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1240
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...
If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.
You might be a redneck if you need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Like many of her sex, Sophie was fiercely competitive with other women, working on the crackpot theory that if she could be better in some way, men would like her more, respect her. Make her happy. She never cottoned on that the men she was attracted to, the men who found her attractive, didn’t like women.
You might be a redneck if you're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?
I don't know what the fuck was going on with the Scottish education board in the 1970's. It was like: 'Do you like whiskey? Do you hate kids? The job's yours.'