Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1240

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

You might be a redneck if you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, "You come back, you hear?" And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, "Just up the road apiece."

I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a argument. It's impossible you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

I don’t care what your hobby is before puberty hits, because as soon as it does, nature assigns you a new hobby. Let’s just say when I was 14, I was treated for tennis elbow and I didn’t even own a racket.

I'm careful with money.

You might be a redneck if you're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There’s the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that’s ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There’s the other one, you know, where you go "Ga…bt…jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga…ba…ah, actually that’s not that bad, that is. It’s quite nice."

[Tequila] is not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.

My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper. I want to follow in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this. (Runs screaming) AAAAAAAH! I'm covered in beeeeees!