Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 125

They say if you don't have your health you ain't got nothing, but the truth is you ain't got nothing if you don't have no one to worry about your health.

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

Eating crappy food isn't a reward - it's a punishment.

I'm callin' you ugly, I could stick yo face in some dough and make some gorilla cookies.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

Just tonight this chick is sucking my dick. And she’s like, “Don’t come in my mouth.” I go, “Honey, I don’t want to fuck up your hair. We’re in a nice restaurant.”

One brother, five sisters… dude I’d have to wear a tampon just to fit in.

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

My general rule of thumb is, once something's a ride at Disneyland, I assume that it is no longer a threat in real life. Which is why I don't expect to get attacked by a giant tea cup anytime soon.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words "common sense".

My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.'