Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 125
After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What’s the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?
Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.
The critics try to intellectualize my materiel. There's no satire involved. Satire is a concept that can only be understood by adults. My stuff is straight, for people of all ages.
I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.
If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.
If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.
I used to beat myself up about weight and working out, and no matter what I did I never felt good about myself. I decided to accept myself and know that I am good.
The law against sodomy is trying to stop homosexual men from enjoying themselves. That's what the law is all about. But this is stupid. What do you do according to the law? You find two men enjoying themselves sexually. You arrest them and throw them in... prison? That outta do it.
If you are in here and you are gay and you are offended that I'm using the word faggot, I apologize and I'll suck your dick after the show.