Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 124

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

The critics try to intellectualize my materiel. There's no satire involved. Satire is a concept that can only be understood by adults. My stuff is straight, for people of all ages.

I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

Because the unexamined life is not worth living, man.

You see, I can’t, on account of my Arthritis.

I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.

I wasn't a 'hot chick' in high school. I was 'funny' and a tomboy and probably a little uncomfortable with my amazing boobs.

Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, "Help! Help! Help!" so I said, "Help? Help? Help?" And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.

Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.