Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 124
I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!
She says, "Dad, do you know how hard it is for my boyfriend to put a condom on while we're in the swimming pool?" And my dead grandmother appeared in front of me and said, "Bob, we'll see you in about two minutes."
Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
The critics try to intellectualize my materiel. There's no satire involved. Satire is a concept that can only be understood by adults. My stuff is straight, for people of all ages.
If you are in here and you are gay and you are offended that I'm using the word faggot, I apologize and I'll suck your dick after the show.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) "It's the same sex all the time.”
Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
Sometimes I'd sit and talk to Nostradamus and he'd just sit there go, "I know. I know." Once I went to movies with Nostradamus. I said, "Boy, what did you think of that ending?" He goes, "What? You didn’t see that coming?"
I'm callin' you ugly, I could stick yo face in some dough and make some gorilla cookies.
Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning 50 feet off shore, he'd throw you a 30 foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.
The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!
Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.