Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 124

Television series are like the stock market. There's room for bears and bulls but no room for pigs. If we'd tried to milk another year out of the series, we'd have wound up with a pig.

Every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.

Motherfucker looked at me like I owed him money. (on Reagan)

I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don’t give you speech therapy; they don’t even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there’s a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, "quick out the window".

When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.

Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.

When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.

All boys' Catholic school is a lot like going to a regular school, except your teacher is a priest - with benefits. No, I'm kidding. I was never touched by any priest in school. Which makes me think, 'Am I not attractive?'

The biggest scam I fell for was college. It got me. 'Cause I swear, in high school I was up $40; now I'm down $60,000. All my friends, 'Hey Nore, what was your major?' Bankruptcy, motherfucker.

Then the challenge is, once you left brain it and build it, then when you’re on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don’t want to be onstage looking like a robot, I want to be at the end of the day very emotional and what feels like someone being up there rather than reciting things. That’s always the challenge, to analyze and then somehow lose yourself in something you absolutely know backwards and forwards. And nothing’s going to surprise you, but you have to be surprised by it and let it surprise you.

Women want you to suffer. You know what I mean? They want you to go 4 to 8 grand in debt. They want you to do that, and go to work every fucking day, knowing that you're working for their fucking love and the use of their fucking vagina.

You should’ve hung out, man.

There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.

I write raps so sometimes I will write them in my iPhone. So I was writing the n-word in my iPhone and my iPhone goes, 'Did you mean niggardly?' And I was like, 'No iPhone. I meant nigger; write it.' But then, two weeks later, I was writing Jigga - which is the shortened form of Jay-Z. And my iPhone goes, 'Did you mean nigger?' And I went, 'Whoa, iPhone. You do not get to say that.'