Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 139
So why would I want to call myself a conservative after the way them white racist thugs have used that word to hide behind? They call themselves new Republicans.
If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.
Pizza Hut will accept other pizzeria's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. Mitch's Pizza - this weeks' coupon: free unlimited pizza! Special note: coupon not valid at any of Mitch's Pizza locations. "Free pizza oven with purchase of a small coke."
If the immigration bill doesn't go through it is okay because we'll still go through.
The truth is Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.
The way to stop political correctness is to not do it. If someone says, "You offended me" then you say "I don’t care!" If they’re offended by the truth, that’s their issue!
I love New York City. The reason I live in New York City is because it's the loudest city on the planet Earth. It's so loud I never have to listen to any of the shit that's going on in my own head. It's really loud. They literally have guys come with jackhammers and they drill the streets and just leave cones in front of your apartment; you don't even know why. Garbage men come; they don't pick up the garbage, they just bang the cans together. And if your block's too quiet, they actually hire a guy who wanders around going, "Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me!" ... That was the first job I ever had.
I don’t know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it’s okie dokie. ‘I’m okie dokie. I’m a little shaken up, but I’m okie dokie.’ ‘The good news is, she’s okie dokie. The surgery went fine.’
Have you seen those guys in the malls with the strollers, with that look on their face like they envy the dead? 'Somebody shoot me! This isn't the mall! I'm in Hell!'
If I see an Asian person and I’m like: “Where you from?” and they’re like “Connecticut”. I’m like, “You know what I’m talking about".
He used to give me one rose, too. Watch out for the one rose givers. He used to say, 'This is one rose for you because you are one special lady.' Yeah, I fell for that mess. After a while, I was like, 'No, no, no, no - this is one rose because you are one cheap bastard - that's what this is.'
Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"
I suddenly had this really mad desire to have an affair with a woman. I was divorced. I was childless. I figured there's got to be one more way to really tick off my mom.