Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 139

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.

No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.

Motherfucker looked at me like I owed him money. (on Reagan)

I’m a black, gay woman. I think the only way to make the GOP hate me more is if I sent them a video of me rolling around on a pile of welfare checks.

Life's biggest rewards come from the biggest challenges.

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who’s the tallest, and act like it’s anyone’s game!

I got friends who look like life beat the shit out of them.

If you can't say something nice... about an overrated, ungrateful European nation that would have been wiped off the face of the earth twice in the twentieth century if it weren't for the United States and which has given nothing to the culture in the past two hundred years but whine and cheese, both of which are made better in California, then don't say anything at all!

I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.

My friends were getting married, buying houses, buying cars, and I wasn't doing anything. There was the point was I talk to myself to you, every screw up nature, look at what you've done with your life. But there was always something on the horizon, that was holding, maybe, you know, this will make you different.

First class mail sucks. What is third class mail? They must strap a letter on the back of a mental patient and he wanders aimlessly.

So then God created the world, and on the first day he created light and air and fish and jam and soup and potatoes and haircuts and arguments and small things and rabbits and people with noses and jam – more jam, perhaps – and soot and flies and tobogganing and showers and toasters and grandmothers and, uh … Belgium. And the second day he created fire and water and eggnog and radiators and lights and Burma and things that go "urh" and … and Colonel Gaddafi and Arthur Negus. On the third day he probably got lists and said, "I can't remember what I've invented now. I've just been ad-libbing so far."

Oh, and once, when I was in the Marines, I got a perfect score on my physical fitness test.

We're all products of our parents: all your mother's traits are in the egg and all your father's traits are in the sperm. And if I know my parents, that sperm and egg had a fight.