Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 139
They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.
One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
When I was younger and did a stand-up gig, it would take me two weeks to recover. Sometimes I'd get so panicked that I would stutter.
Pizza Hut will accept other pizzeria's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. Mitch's Pizza - this weeks' coupon: free unlimited pizza! Special note: coupon not valid at any of Mitch's Pizza locations. "Free pizza oven with purchase of a small coke."
There's no 'brothers' when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio... I don't know that guy.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.
I suddenly had this really mad desire to have an affair with a woman. I was divorced. I was childless. I figured there's got to be one more way to really tick off my mom.
We're all products of our parents: all your mother's traits are in the egg and all your father's traits are in the sperm. And if I know my parents, that sperm and egg had a fight.
I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
I do have insecurities. I don’t know if you can tell. I’m not brimming with confidence.
Politics move, as fast as Twitter, and for everyone to think that in four years America was going to be perfect is ridiculous.