Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 139

There's no 'brothers' when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio... I don't know that guy.

I don’t do drugs, though. Just weed.

We're all products of our parents: all your mother's traits are in the egg and all your father's traits are in the sperm. And if I know my parents, that sperm and egg had a fight.

I really believe in the philosophy that you create your own universe. I'm just trying to create a good one for myself.

I do have insecurities. I don’t know if you can tell. I’m not brimming with confidence.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.

I just got a car, and I gotta say, this car is very cryptic. The very first day I drove it, a light came on out of nowhere: 'Check engine.' Could they be any more vague? What if a light came on and said, 'Problem'?

Being a celebrity you always get really good seats to sporting events but you never get as good seats as the photographers get. And I really love sports. So one of the scams I have going now is I want to learn sports photography so I can get better seats at a sporting event.

Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

Life's biggest rewards come from the biggest challenges.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

I'm going to start referring to anal sex as "getting accepted to Brown".

I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.