Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 140
How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
I suddenly had this really mad desire to have an affair with a woman. I was divorced. I was childless. I figured there's got to be one more way to really tick off my mom.
I don't want to sound facetious, but humour is the key to the soul. You know what I mean?
The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
When you're more mature, you do start telling the truth, in odd situations. "I'm sorry, I've broken a glass here. Is that expensive? I'll pay for it. I'm sorry." And you do that so that people in the room might go, "What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people with strong personalities."
If I see an Asian person and I’m like: “Where you from?” and they’re like “Connecticut”. I’m like, “You know what I’m talking about".
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Politics move, as fast as Twitter, and for everyone to think that in four years America was going to be perfect is ridiculous.
There's no 'brothers' when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio... I don't know that guy.
There's book smart, there is street smart, there's relationship smart, there's too many different kinds of smarts to know all of them. Everybody doesn't know every kind of smart. There's money smart, there's movie smart, there's computer smart. There's just too many different kinds of smarts for people to know all the smarts.