Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 140
So why would I want to call myself a conservative after the way them white racist thugs have used that word to hide behind? They call themselves new Republicans.
So then God created the world, and on the first day he created light and air and fish and jam and soup and potatoes and haircuts and arguments and small things and rabbits and people with noses and jam – more jam, perhaps – and soot and flies and tobogganing and showers and toasters and grandmothers and, uh … Belgium. And the second day he created fire and water and eggnog and radiators and lights and Burma and things that go "urh" and … and Colonel Gaddafi and Arthur Negus. On the third day he probably got lists and said, "I can't remember what I've invented now. I've just been ad-libbing so far."
I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.
New York: the only city where people make radio requests like "This is for Tina - I'm sorry I stabbed you."
My gran used to say, "here’s five dollars and don’t tell your mother that I’m giving this to you". I said, "it will cost you more than that".
There's no 'brothers' when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio... I don't know that guy.
I'm going to start referring to anal sex as "getting accepted to Brown".
As women well know, the reason men are no good at playing dumb is most of the time we're not playing.
Being a celebrity you always get really good seats to sporting events but you never get as good seats as the photographers get. And I really love sports. So one of the scams I have going now is I want to learn sports photography so I can get better seats at a sporting event.
Be talented enough to make it and stupid enough to keep trying.
I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.
Whenever I don't feel so good, I always try to remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over, and they share the same asshole.