Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 140
In Huntington Beach, California, three police instructors lost their jobs after ordering two cadets who were caught smoking to eat cigarette sandwiches as punishment. And of course the tobacco companies are thinking, 'Cigarette sandwiches - what a great idea.'
Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.
One day I was running around playing with my son Connor when afterwards I was sweating, tired and out of breath. I was embarrassed that something as enjoyable as playing with my son was so tough for me to do. Immediately I started an extensive diet and exercise plan. It completely changed my life and helped cure my Type-2 diabetes.
I suddenly had this really mad desire to have an affair with a woman. I was divorced. I was childless. I figured there's got to be one more way to really tick off my mom.
I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.
I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.
There`s a division in most major police departments called, `Special Victims Unit,` which is what sex crimes are euphemistically called. They`re considered the most heinous crimes, when not only do you violate somebody, but you violate them sexually. So it`s an elite squad that takes care of that.
I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
My friends were getting married, buying houses, buying cars, and I wasn't doing anything. There was the point was I talk to myself to you, every screw up nature, look at what you've done with your life. But there was always something on the horizon, that was holding, maybe, you know, this will make you different.
Have you seen those guys in the malls with the strollers, with that look on their face like they envy the dead? 'Somebody shoot me! This isn't the mall! I'm in Hell!'
Crispus Attucks, who said, "Don't shoot till you see the whites!" Never got a dinner!
There's this billboard in my neighborhood, and it says, 'Don't leave a baby anywhere,' which is true. I imagine the first rule of baby is to not leave it in the street. Don't even leave it with a knife or a sword - even Excalibur.
Women in the workplace - we still have big strides to make. Girlfriend of mine just got a new job. First question the new boss asked her was if she could make a good cup of coffee... Yeah, she stormed right out of that Starbucks.