Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 140
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
If the immigration bill doesn't go through it is okay because we'll still go through.
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.
There`s a division in most major police departments called, `Special Victims Unit,` which is what sex crimes are euphemistically called. They`re considered the most heinous crimes, when not only do you violate somebody, but you violate them sexually. So it`s an elite squad that takes care of that.
"Equestrian," by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought "Brokeback Mountain" should have been called "Two Equestrians."
Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.
When it rains really hard, I like to run stop signs just to make cops get out of their cars. Make them stand there in the rain in a big puddle. <br /> ‘Alright you, know why I stopped you?’<br /> ‘Yeah, know why I ran the sign?’
Don't most men actually think that the more money they spend on a date, the more fingers they get to stick in your pussy before they kiss you goodnight?
I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.
If Elvis is alive, Tupac is alive. I saw Tupac on 46th Street selling Biggie t-shirts 2 for 10 dollars...
I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.
Crispus Attucks, who said, "Don't shoot till you see the whites!" Never got a dinner!