Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 138
They call you 'Pops',you work in the library and your best friend's a mouse.
I had a breakup. I decided that I wasn't going to do the sort of routines I was doing anymore. So I went to work, trying to develop the thing I do now.
I really believe in the philosophy that you create your own universe. I'm just trying to create a good one for myself.
No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
I can’t go to jail, not with his soft skin and these boyish good looks. I’ll be snapped up before the first lights out!
There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind.
Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.
The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.
When I was younger and did a stand-up gig, it would take me two weeks to recover. Sometimes I'd get so panicked that I would stutter.
Years after he was castrated in a horrible industrial accident, she continued having kids, just out of habit - black kids, white kids, Chinese kids. We don't know how she did it - we know how she did it, we just don't like to talk about it.
I just mixed a 5 hour energy drink with some sleepy time tea. Let's see who wins this battle.
Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. I love to take the wife and kids, but it's also near a sketchy neighborhood. So there's a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. It's like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it.