Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 138

I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.

I do have insecurities. I don’t know if you can tell. I’m not brimming with confidence.

I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my broker.

Pizza Hut will accept other pizzeria's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. Mitch's Pizza - this weeks' coupon: free unlimited pizza! Special note: coupon not valid at any of Mitch's Pizza locations. "Free pizza oven with purchase of a small coke."

They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.

Did you ever have the police follow you for so long, that you get suspicious about your own goddamn self? "Maybe I did kill them people."

The moments of comedy are there. But the whole idea of a vacation is the stripping away of stuff and then, by the end of the vacation, at least in my life, you do have these moments as a group, as a family having a great time, so mellow again. It takes a while to do that but that's what this movie is about.

The next time you're out wherever you go to meet boys - a bar, a club, Little Caesars, whatever you like to do - and you see a guy that's hot, go up to him and punch him in the face. If you're hot, he'll be like, 'That was really cute. Why did you punch me? You're so adorable, that didn't hurt. Come back, let me show you how to punch. Don't put your thumb in, you'll break it. Let me cup your boob uncomfortably while I show you this.' If you're ugly - boom. He's knocking you out 'cause no guy's going to take that from an ugly chick.

Just got a new car - got a little Miata convertible. Pretty happy about it, except for one thing: I'm 6-foot-6, so now I look like a McDonald's toy.

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.

If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

We're down in Mexico. It's for a bachelor party, so we go into a Mexican strip club... I go back with this woman down a murky hallway, and then without missing a beat - these ladies are all business - she goes, 'Go ahead, take out your dong.' 'I'm not taking out my dong. And by the way, who uses the word "dong"? If you want to be hip to the lingo, they're not using the word "dong" up in the States.'

But, let`s face it, I`m a Chicago boy.

I had a breakup. I decided that I wasn't going to do the sort of routines I was doing anymore. So I went to work, trying to develop the thing I do now.

When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.