Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 138
The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.
If Elvis is alive, Tupac is alive. I saw Tupac on 46th Street selling Biggie t-shirts 2 for 10 dollars...
No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
When I was younger and did a stand-up gig, it would take me two weeks to recover. Sometimes I'd get so panicked that I would stutter.
If you can't say something nice... about an overrated, ungrateful European nation that would have been wiped off the face of the earth twice in the twentieth century if it weren't for the United States and which has given nothing to the culture in the past two hundred years but whine and cheese, both of which are made better in California, then don't say anything at all!
Years after he was castrated in a horrible industrial accident, she continued having kids, just out of habit - black kids, white kids, Chinese kids. We don't know how she did it - we know how she did it, we just don't like to talk about it.
On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.
One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.
Be talented enough to make it and stupid enough to keep trying.