Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 138
Crispus Attucks, who said, "Don't shoot till you see the whites!" Never got a dinner!
I can’t go to jail, not with his soft skin and these boyish good looks. I’ll be snapped up before the first lights out!
Be talented enough to make it and stupid enough to keep trying.
If you can't say something nice... about an overrated, ungrateful European nation that would have been wiped off the face of the earth twice in the twentieth century if it weren't for the United States and which has given nothing to the culture in the past two hundred years but whine and cheese, both of which are made better in California, then don't say anything at all!
New York: the only city where people make radio requests like "This is for Tina - I'm sorry I stabbed you."
I don't want to sound facetious, but humour is the key to the soul. You know what I mean?
Anyone can have a relationship but if you’re dating a woman who’s so crazy in bed that if you aren’t wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that’s exciting.
The way to stop political correctness is to not do it. If someone says, "You offended me" then you say "I don’t care!" If they’re offended by the truth, that’s their issue!
Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with.
The Flinstones wore furs, they ate red meat, and had a stoneage philosophy. In fact, they were the first Republicans...
No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
Have you seen those guys in the malls with the strollers, with that look on their face like they envy the dead? 'Somebody shoot me! This isn't the mall! I'm in Hell!'