Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 138
When I was younger and did a stand-up gig, it would take me two weeks to recover. Sometimes I'd get so panicked that I would stutter.
They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.
I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.
The Flinstones wore furs, they ate red meat, and had a stoneage philosophy. In fact, they were the first Republicans...
When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.
No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
Anyone can have a relationship but if you’re dating a woman who’s so crazy in bed that if you aren’t wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that’s exciting.
I just got a car, and I gotta say, this car is very cryptic. The very first day I drove it, a light came on out of nowhere: 'Check engine.' Could they be any more vague? What if a light came on and said, 'Problem'?
Immigrants have been coming here for a long time. The Americans that are afraid of others coming were immigrants once themselves, so they have a lot of nerve. We have a lot of nerve as a country. The only people that should have xenophobia are Native Americans. Everyone else should shut up.
Be talented enough to make it and stupid enough to keep trying.
If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?