Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 142

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

If you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you’ll find it begins to move on after a while.

Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time.

Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.

You might be a redneck if you take a fishing pole to Sea World.

You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!

I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.

She stood in line and got cut. Tried out, got cut. Loved art but the budget got cut. Then she got numb then she only felt when she knelt and cut!

In Huntington Beach, California, three police instructors lost their jobs after ordering two cadets who were caught smoking to eat cigarette sandwiches as punishment. And of course the tobacco companies are thinking, 'Cigarette sandwiches - what a great idea.'

Oh, and once, when I was in the Marines, I got a perfect score on my physical fitness test.

Just got a new car - got a little Miata convertible. Pretty happy about it, except for one thing: I'm 6-foot-6, so now I look like a McDonald's toy.

First class mail sucks. What is third class mail? They must strap a letter on the back of a mental patient and he wanders aimlessly.