Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 142
A whale is killing people in SeaWorld. That's not funny but the headlines were funny: 'Killer Whale Kills.' What the hell do you think a killer whale's going to do? If you go to Brooklyn and see somebody named Killer Mike you don't think he'd give you no roses.
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.
Today when kids receive their confirmations you have to give them a contract that you're going to buy them a car. I wanted a bicycle, and as I got a little order I was told Santa Claus might bring me a bicycle. Then one year my father borrowed a bicycle at Christmas, put it under the tree and I rode it all that day. The next day it wasn't there. "Where's my bicycle?" My father said, "Somebody stole it." Then I'd see an other kid on the street, and he'd have a bike. What I didn't know was that all the fathers were doing the same thing - the were all using one bicycle.
Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.
Don't most men actually think that the more money they spend on a date, the more fingers they get to stick in your pussy before they kiss you goodnight?
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.
If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.
I don't know how many sacred cows there are today. I think there's a little confusion between humor and gross passing for humor. That's kind of regrettable.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.