Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 142

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who’s the tallest, and act like it’s anyone’s game!

Throughout my life, I've been gratified that I've been able to keep the child in me alive and inspire others.

What you see is what you get.

The truth is Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.

So why would I want to call myself a conservative after the way them white racist thugs have used that word to hide behind? They call themselves new Republicans.

Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with.

First class mail sucks. What is third class mail? They must strap a letter on the back of a mental patient and he wanders aimlessly.

I wasn’t able to showcase myself to my satisfaction on television until I did one very important thing: I started treating television as though it were just another night at a club. I stopped ruminating continuously over my television set and thinking about its potential significance. This started with my last few shots with Johnny Carson when I realized why my spots hadn’t seemed as funny to me as my club sets. I realized that the extra thought and preparation actually worked against me. Once I adopted this new attitude, I started doing television spots that I was happy with. But let me stress that this was just my approach.

A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.

You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!

There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind.

My aunt used to say, slow and steady wins the race. She died in a fire.