Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 142
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money!
What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed.
You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!
When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.
He used to give me one rose, too. Watch out for the one rose givers. He used to say, 'This is one rose for you because you are one special lady.' Yeah, I fell for that mess. After a while, I was like, 'No, no, no, no - this is one rose because you are one cheap bastard - that's what this is.'
One day I was running around playing with my son Connor when afterwards I was sweating, tired and out of breath. I was embarrassed that something as enjoyable as playing with my son was so tough for me to do. Immediately I started an extensive diet and exercise plan. It completely changed my life and helped cure my Type-2 diabetes.
I suddenly had this really mad desire to have an affair with a woman. I was divorced. I was childless. I figured there's got to be one more way to really tick off my mom.
In Huntington Beach, California, three police instructors lost their jobs after ordering two cadets who were caught smoking to eat cigarette sandwiches as punishment. And of course the tobacco companies are thinking, 'Cigarette sandwiches - what a great idea.'
I wasn’t able to showcase myself to my satisfaction on television until I did one very important thing: I started treating television as though it were just another night at a club. I stopped ruminating continuously over my television set and thinking about its potential significance. This started with my last few shots with Johnny Carson when I realized why my spots hadn’t seemed as funny to me as my club sets. I realized that the extra thought and preparation actually worked against me. Once I adopted this new attitude, I started doing television spots that I was happy with. But let me stress that this was just my approach.
Have you seen those guys in the malls with the strollers, with that look on their face like they envy the dead? 'Somebody shoot me! This isn't the mall! I'm in Hell!'
There's this billboard in my neighborhood, and it says, 'Don't leave a baby anywhere,' which is true. I imagine the first rule of baby is to not leave it in the street. Don't even leave it with a knife or a sword - even Excalibur.