Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 141
My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, "That burrito did not agree with me." I was like, "was the disagreement over whether or not you'd have diarrhea? Let me guess who won." "I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, "I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way."
I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.
A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who’s the tallest, and act like it’s anyone’s game!
Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
Years after he was castrated in a horrible industrial accident, she continued having kids, just out of habit - black kids, white kids, Chinese kids. We don't know how she did it - we know how she did it, we just don't like to talk about it.
I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.
There`s a division in most major police departments called, `Special Victims Unit,` which is what sex crimes are euphemistically called. They`re considered the most heinous crimes, when not only do you violate somebody, but you violate them sexually. So it`s an elite squad that takes care of that.
"Equestrian," by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought "Brokeback Mountain" should have been called "Two Equestrians."
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
If Elvis is alive, Tupac is alive. I saw Tupac on 46th Street selling Biggie t-shirts 2 for 10 dollars...
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing. It was yellow, you laid it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water, run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he laid it down! Slip n' Bleed from the anus they should have called this ride.