Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 141

Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.

I suddenly had this really mad desire to have an affair with a woman. I was divorced. I was childless. I figured there's got to be one more way to really tick off my mom.

I ain’t from Africa. I’m from St. Louis.

You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!

I’m a black, gay woman. I think the only way to make the GOP hate me more is if I sent them a video of me rolling around on a pile of welfare checks.

Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time.

What is the point of a car alarm if it doesn't get people out of their beds to come help you? So if I ever have a car alarm - if I ever have a car - it's just going to be a big speaker on the back of my car. And when anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go: "Attention! Free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!"

Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

I had a white guy tell me... he said, "Bern, why do black folks use the word 'mother-fucker?'" Well, I'm gonna break down what the word "mother-fucker" actually means. "Mother-fucker" is somethin' that black folks have been using for years. It's about expression. Don't be ashamed of the word "mother-fucker." Because the word "mother-fucker" is a noun: it describes a person, place, or thing!

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

Years after he was castrated in a horrible industrial accident, she continued having kids, just out of habit - black kids, white kids, Chinese kids. We don't know how she did it - we know how she did it, we just don't like to talk about it.

People think everyone from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I tell 'em, "Hell, I'm just dating my sister, and I could swear it wasn't a weather balloon".

To sustain longevity, you have to evolve.

Being a celebrity you always get really good seats to sporting events but you never get as good seats as the photographers get. And I really love sports. So one of the scams I have going now is I want to learn sports photography so I can get better seats at a sporting event.