Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 155
Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.
Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
Pepper spray is a woman’s go-to weapon of choice, it even comes in different strengths in case you’re only semi-serious about not getting raped. If you were truly nervous about your safety, you’d carry a gun, not a spice. Bullets travel a lot faster than mist. What predator’s gonna wait while you rummage through your purse to find a tube of Tabasco sauce? You can’t even find your phone in there when it’s ringing and vibrating. Nothing’s more embarrassing than being the girl who always has pepper spray but never has to use it. May as well leave your weapons at home cause the cat knitted on your sweater does the job just fine.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.
The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.
This town is a back-stabbing, scum-sucking, small-minded town, but thanks for the money.
I had very tough kids when I was a substitute teacher. I never had the kids we see in the ads - “Good golly, Mrs. Dobson, can I mow your lawn, and earn money for that catcher's mitt I've been wanting?” - a refugee from a Norman Rockwell painting. No. I had large, formidable – I had murderers in my class. I had one child in the ninth grade who had to take six months off from school for National Guard duty. He was going to junior hight on the GI Bill.
I don't want to sound facetious, but humour is the key to the soul. You know what I mean?
If you watch porn while listening to banjo music, everyone on screen seems related.
The Left believes in cradle to the grave assistance, it’s just sometimes really tricky making it to the cradle.
They always want head. We love it. We always have to watch, right? Right, if you have a lot of hair we fucking turn into Vidal Sassoon all of a sudden. We got like scrunchies and banana clips coming out of nowhere. Hairspray. "Good. Good. Good." Front row seats. "I like that with the lips, the thing you're doing with the lips is good."