Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 155
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.
I've never walked off stage and said, "I shouldn't have done that." Because when you do what I do, you're like a fighter. You throw the right hand and say, "That's what got me to this dance." You can't have doubt. If you have doubt, there's no show.
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
That was part of the whole original concept. We were thinking, it's off-season, let's do a really fun, local-oriented event, raise money for good causes and bring some music to the valley.
So I was just sitting on my porch, just minding my own business, and this dog come up to me an says 'Hey, ain't you Ross Perot?' Well, I just about dropped a load. And you all know who the prime authority on talking dogs is? The Republican Party. I rest my case.
The first time I got to second base, I was driving and my friend was in the backseat getting tit. I considered that scoring - the rearview mirror was just a technicality. I didn't have sex until college - and even then, it's not like the floodgates opened. When I finally had a girlfriend, she ended up scoring with the goalie of the lacrosse team, so that didn't work out.
Space tourism is God's way of telling you you aren't spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine.
I'm always looking for that place, you know, where there's no rednecks, that place where people get along, and I never find it. I went to Australia, right, and I thought Australia was gonna be a groovy, surfnoid, smoke-a-joint wombat, you know? 'G'day mate!' 'No worries!' And it's like Arkansas with a beach. It's a whole country with a 'No Fat Chicks' sticker on it.
If you aren't in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret.