Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 156
You might be a redneck if you've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
That's a very white attitude. You can take a white guy to Africa, and he'd be like, 'Look at all the minorities they got over here. Jesus!'
I love the Spurs and their white guy basketball that they play. I absolutely love their fundamentally sound pick and roll, fucking kiss it off the glass, ‘I can’t jump either’ game that they play, it’s tremendous. There’s not a lotta white guys out there doing it, but when I watch the Spurs play, it looks like 5 white guys playing pick-up at the Y.
Immigrants have been coming here for a long time. The Americans that are afraid of others coming were immigrants once themselves, so they have a lot of nerve. We have a lot of nerve as a country. The only people that should have xenophobia are Native Americans. Everyone else should shut up.
People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.
Freaks everywhere. I went to a church in Chicago. Church had six Commandments and four do-the-best-you-cans.
My mother is old, but she jokes around. She lives in a senior living home. After a certain age some people don’t like joking. They take her sarcasm the wrong way. I get that from my family. Everybody talks over each other. The first time I took my wife to my family reunion, she said, “I don’t know what’s going on. I can’t do this!”
The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.
Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.
Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?
I was just at the newly opened Creationist Museum in Kentucky.... And they have this exhibit of a giant dinosaur...with a saddle on its back. Because the world is only 5000 years old, so man and the dinosaurs had to coexist, and, of course, we rode them. A theory I thought laughable at the age of eight when I saw it on the Flintstones!
They always want head. We love it. We always have to watch, right? Right, if you have a lot of hair we fucking turn into Vidal Sassoon all of a sudden. We got like scrunchies and banana clips coming out of nowhere. Hairspray. "Good. Good. Good." Front row seats. "I like that with the lips, the thing you're doing with the lips is good."