Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 156
My shrink told me that my progress was pointless and she'd prefer to still keep me as a patient but analyze someone else in my place.
Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.
That was part of the whole original concept. We were thinking, it's off-season, let's do a really fun, local-oriented event, raise money for good causes and bring some music to the valley.
Let's get in a cab. I'll buy you a kebab. Now I can't believe I'm sharing a kebab with the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. With a kebab.
My show is an adult comedy show, but it isn’t offensive. Your kids could listen to it, even though I hope they wouldn’t ‘get’ most of it. But I get a lot of fan mail from soccer moms saying ‘I love having your CD because I can listen to it with my kids in the car.’
Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop.
To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.
Tasers don’t work on us. When you grow up poor, you get shocked by shit every single day. Toasters, lamps...
I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, "Back up, I don't know how big this gets."
Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
As American as an apple is and as American as baseball is, they don't go together. You can't be chewing an apple at a baseball game. You've got to let go of the diet that day.