Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 156
If I am ever brain dead, kill Titus. If I cannot control the fluids spewing out of my own orifices, please kill Titus. If I'm not aware enough to pick which diapers I would like to be changed into, for God's sake, kill Titus - unless I'm really funny.
Let's get in a cab. I'll buy you a kebab. Now I can't believe I'm sharing a kebab with the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. With a kebab.
Without comedy as a defence mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.
Tasers don’t work on us. When you grow up poor, you get shocked by shit every single day. Toasters, lamps...
When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
To a right-winger, unions are awful. Why do right-wingers hate unions? Because collective bargaining is the power that a worker has against the corporation. Right-wingers hate that.
I think in our desire to create a better America, we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.
The giant superstars are people whose talent is so enormous that their death wish can't destroy it.
The most popular Valentine’s Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you’re going to be alone, who cares if you get fat.
Sometimes people change their minds, sometimes they meet someone else, sometimes they get sober, and sometimes he was just a jerk who you’re lucky to be rid of.
I've always felt like I work in a small little area that doesn't represent anything like the rest of society.
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.