Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 154
I joined a gym recently. I don't have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this time's gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either I'll get into shape, or I'll just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.
The difference between Las Vegas and Atlantic City is the difference between getting conned by a beautiful call girl and getting mugged by a crack head.
I’ve always had confidence. It came because I have lots of initiative. I wanted to make something of myself.
When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
There's book smart, there is street smart, there's relationship smart, there's too many different kinds of smarts to know all of them. Everybody doesn't know every kind of smart. There's money smart, there's movie smart, there's computer smart. There's just too many different kinds of smarts for people to know all the smarts.
My mother could say some stupid things. I do something wrong, she'd say things that didn't even make sense. "You go to your room and you stay there until you know how to act." I'm in my room for three hours. "To be or not to be, that is the question."
The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, "You know what? Let's just grab lunch."
I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
The best advice I could give someone trying to get into the comedy field is to take advantage of every opportunity you have to work to hone your skills.
See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.
That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."
If you are sitting here tonight or at home, and you're thinking, 'Hey, I'd like to get high with the dude that's been on TV all the time, outside of a comedy venue, like in a parking lot or a park of some sort.' Then that is an achievable goal. You can seriously make that shit happen. All you need is two things: to ask me and have weed.