Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 154

It's our nature: Human beings like success but they hate successful people.

Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem? That's an unemployment solution right there, folks! It's called natural selection.

I prefer to believe that people are good and honest and respect me enough to tell me the truth. It's not easy to find those people all the time, but they're out there.

You might be a redneck if you take a fishing pole to Sea World.

I live in Los Angeles. It’s a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: "Hey, is that real fur?" "Of course not! That's sick!"

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there’s 50 different ways! You hate black people? We’ve a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here’s a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.

Animals don't have anyone to protect them. If we don't stand up, the people who are harming animals will never get stopped.

It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.

Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time.

I was in the Air Force and was a boom operator (in-flight refueling). I got my comedy start in the Air Force.

My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.

You know I am glad he is an atheist. Because wouldn't it be great that while he is doing his little tree thing, I know they do a lot of work with breezes, through the woods a huge sweaty guy with an ax comes long, sees him "chop-chop", puts a chain around him, drag him through the mud and the muck, throws him into a sawmill and grinds him up "neeeeee", then you pound him down into paper, and once he's paper, you print the Bible on him.

Has anyone seen my shoes? I kicked them off in a fit of joy.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.