Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 154
I’ve always had confidence. It came because I have lots of initiative. I wanted to make something of myself.
The difference between Las Vegas and Atlantic City is the difference between getting conned by a beautiful call girl and getting mugged by a crack head.
The most popular Valentine’s Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you’re going to be alone, who cares if you get fat.
It's the woman's movement. Woman are demanding things. "Give me things! Do things to me! Do exotic things and plenty of them. Tonight, I think I'll have multiple orgasms". And I go fucking hell, what? What's that? "Go for it my boy! Plenty of orgasms, I'll tell you when to stop". No sooner had we found the clitoris that we were in search of the g-spot. I don't think you could find that with a wet suit and a divers helmet. I know gynaecologists that don't believe in it. You see it's difficult to be a man. I mean the mens movement in America is taking the country by storm. Right, people and all meeting, but you see films of the woman's movement... "We want this! And that. We demand a share in that, and most of that, some of this and fucking all of that. Less of that, more of this and fucking plenty of this. And another thing we want it now. I want it yesterday and I want fucking more tomorrow. And the demands will all be checked then so fucking stay awake."
My mother could say some stupid things. I do something wrong, she'd say things that didn't even make sense. "You go to your room and you stay there until you know how to act." I'm in my room for three hours. "To be or not to be, that is the question."
Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.
I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.
If you think the stock market has a fence around it, you might be a redneck.
My shrink told me that my progress was pointless and she'd prefer to still keep me as a patient but analyze someone else in my place.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
If I am ever brain dead, kill Titus. If I cannot control the fluids spewing out of my own orifices, please kill Titus. If I'm not aware enough to pick which diapers I would like to be changed into, for God's sake, kill Titus - unless I'm really funny.