Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 154
I like to go to the frat house and drink with my white friends, because anytime you go drinking at the frat house, white boys bring you a drink and hand it to you like it's a top CIA secret. They'll hand me my drink, and I'll go, 'Man, what the hell is in this?' 'Dude, don't worry. Don't ask, just drink it. I'll see you in 20 minutes.' Next thing you know, I'm buck naked, standing on a coffee table, with a cowboy hat.
'But he was so great!’ Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation.
I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
My shrink told me that my progress was pointless and she'd prefer to still keep me as a patient but analyze someone else in my place.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
The first job I had was at Burger King. I didn't want to call it Burger King, so I used to call it the BK Lounge. If the girls were like, "Where do you work," I was like, "I work down at the BK Lounge. I'm a bouncer." "Can we get in?" "Not without coups."
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
I joined a gym recently. I don't have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this time's gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either I'll get into shape, or I'll just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.
Yes, I'm a nice man and I enjoy babies. I'm a sensitive guy. I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.