Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 154
I joined a gym recently. I don't have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this time's gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either I'll get into shape, or I'll just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.
The giant superstars are people whose talent is so enormous that their death wish can't destroy it.
Space tourism is God's way of telling you you aren't spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine.
People think everyone from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I tell 'em, "Hell, I'm just dating my sister, and I could swear it wasn't a weather balloon".
I've always felt like I work in a small little area that doesn't represent anything like the rest of society.
The most popular Valentine’s Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you’re going to be alone, who cares if you get fat.
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I like to go to the frat house and drink with my white friends, because anytime you go drinking at the frat house, white boys bring you a drink and hand it to you like it's a top CIA secret. They'll hand me my drink, and I'll go, 'Man, what the hell is in this?' 'Dude, don't worry. Don't ask, just drink it. I'll see you in 20 minutes.' Next thing you know, I'm buck naked, standing on a coffee table, with a cowboy hat.
You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only... only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.
If you aren't in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret.
I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.
If I am ever brain dead, kill Titus. If I cannot control the fluids spewing out of my own orifices, please kill Titus. If I'm not aware enough to pick which diapers I would like to be changed into, for God's sake, kill Titus - unless I'm really funny.