Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 157
I think there's a part, just a part of comedians, that is still childlike.
Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room… can even bring things to a climax.
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
First class mail sucks. What is third class mail? They must strap a letter on the back of a mental patient and he wanders aimlessly.
I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them.
He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.
There's this billboard in my neighborhood, and it says, 'Don't leave a baby anywhere,' which is true. I imagine the first rule of baby is to not leave it in the street. Don't even leave it with a knife or a sword - even Excalibur.
I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. They got one marked "brightness" but it don't work, does it?
When I was younger and did a stand-up gig, it would take me two weeks to recover. Sometimes I'd get so panicked that I would stutter.
A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature.
Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even.
Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.