Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 157

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

I've always felt like I work in a small little area that doesn't represent anything like the rest of society.

I'm always looking for that place, you know, where there's no rednecks, that place where people get along, and I never find it. I went to Australia, right, and I thought Australia was gonna be a groovy, surfnoid, smoke-a-joint wombat, you know? 'G'day mate!' 'No worries!' And it's like Arkansas with a beach. It's a whole country with a 'No Fat Chicks' sticker on it.

You might be a redneck if you've ever used a weed eater indoors.

Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? 'We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots.'

Health clubs aren't healthy. In New York City, which has the most stairs of anywhere in the country, people pay money to go to a health club and use a stair master. When you live in a city, that has nothing but stairs and you pay money to use special stairs, that is not healthy behavior. It's fucking psychotic!

I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

Breakups hurt like a motherfucker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing.

Don't let Karen touch the sauce!

To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.

Chivalry died when women started readin' the shit in all them magazines. They got too much advice about men from other women. And they don't know what the fuck they're talkin' about. I see them in the grocery store, says on the cover "100 Ways to Please Your Man" by some lady. Come on, man. Ain't no 100 ways. That list is four things long. Just suck his dick, play with his balls,fix him a sandwich, and don't talk so much and he'll be happy!