Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 158
My comedy has no color, it’s for everybody, black, white, Latino, Asian. It’s not a pro-black show, not a def jam show; it’s just straight, wholesome type of humor.
Will you calm down? You're not going to let a little near-death experience ruin your mood, are you?
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.
My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.
The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every fucking day.
When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn't try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, "You may regret this," would have been fine.
It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
There’s just something about when kids do something, it’s always going to be funny, because kids grow up. Nobody doesn’t grow up, and whatever you do as a kid usually isn’t considered amazing when you’re an adult. A baby changing its own diaper, you’d be like, “That baby is a fucking genius.” But when he’s 27, you’re like, “He shouldn’t be wearing diapers anymore.”
Women in general suck at raising kids. That's right, I said it! Who wants some? C'mon! When a woman sees a kid putting a penny in a light socket, what does she do? "No!" You smack that little hand. "Well there!" When that kid's five, getting smacked in the hand is no big deal anymore. Men see the exact same kid putting a penny in a light socket and go: "No no wait wait... shh shh shh shh... well go on!" "Well, you're not gonna do that again are ya? I know it hurt. Shot your ass about 8 feet, I saw. Get up. Yes your eyebrows will grow back."