Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 166
Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.
You keep asking me questions that you know I have to lie at. 'Do I look fat?' 'Nah, no.' If you wasn't fat, you wouldn't have asked. That's why you asked the question. Skinny people don't say, 'Do I look fat?' Skinny people say, 'Do you want to eat? Would you like to have a sandwich?'
I'm not a person who I ever thought would do well with divorce. Not that it can't happen. I just didn't want that. So I waited a long time to meet the right person. Then I finally met someone that I was willing to be divorced from.
If the powers that be see there is a bigger market out there, it will make it easier for the next time around.
A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.
My characters all start with rhythms and sounds. Once I hear the voice and get into the rhythm, the attitude and the physicality just come out on their own.
Violence doesn't solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. Every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn't solve anything?
If you think ‘loading the dishwasher’ means ‘getting your wife drunk’, you might be a redneck.
I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back "I know."
Want to shut a racist white guy's mouth. Put him around Super human athletic black dudes.
My father is a Jehovah's Witness, and he raised us under a very strict hand.
If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?
The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it?