Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 166

When you consider the overpopulation in this world... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

Hey! Just at the cemetery, thinkin' boutcha.

Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop.

Can’t have sausage anymore, and not because of health reasons, but because I saw a commercial that nearly scared me to death. I was watching TV one night, and this is what the commercial said word for word. “The eggs are from real chickens. The milk is from real cows. But the sausage is from Jimmy Dean.” Really? You’d think someone would have caught that!

The Beatles were so high they let Ringo sing a couple of tunes.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

We’re a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like "Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn."

A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don’t realize this, he’s a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he’d ground out to second for him.

All these words we use, anybody can be a genius now. It used to be you had to have a thought no one ever had before or you had to invent a number. Now, it's like, "Hey, I've got a cup in case we need another cup." "Dude, you're a genius!"

I remember they used to give us a speech in the 1950's. “Children, take these dog tags home, make sure the names and addresses are correct in case of a nuclear holocaust. And if there is a nuclear holocaust there'll be no talking during the holocaust!”

Should have dogs before they have kids. Everybody.

You know, the energy I think I was just born with. I think I was just always like that as I kid; I was always real energetic.

I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.

That definitely went through my mind, ... The situation in Houston, I felt teams were going to shy away from me because of the stuff with me.