Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 166
When you consider the overpopulation in this world... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
I came to America, and I made good. It's an old story, but it hasn't been told in a long time. Usually, it's, 'I'm an immigrant, I came here and got persecuted.' My story is I came here, I worked hard, and it worked out all right. So it's still available.
I went to the gas station the other day, and the gas station attendant said he was a former porno movie star. And I think he was serious because half through filling the tank, he pulled it out and sprayed it all over the car.
I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.
Colin Farrel was recently asked about prostitutes and he said, "It's like ordering a pizza." Really? What restaurant is he going to? All I ever get is a pizza... I guess in some ways it is - when it’s delivered, it's never quite as hot as you hoped it would be.
The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it?
Chivalry died when women started readin' the shit in all them magazines. They got too much advice about men from other women. And they don't know what the fuck they're talkin' about. I see them in the grocery store, says on the cover "100 Ways to Please Your Man" by some lady. Come on, man. Ain't no 100 ways. That list is four things long. Just suck his dick, play with his balls,fix him a sandwich, and don't talk so much and he'll be happy!
I'm mad at my roommate for masturbating in front of the computer. It's my computer. And he doesn't even watch anything.
I prefer to believe that people are good and honest and respect me enough to tell me the truth. It's not easy to find those people all the time, but they're out there.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
You can equate acting to a tennis game: When you're playing one of the best, you get better.