Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 166
It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.
You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to.
Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man."
I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.
I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.
You might be a redneck if you have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
Quick decision makers are often stuck behind annoying people in line at Starbucks.
I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then!"
A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.
I just want real reactions. I want people to laugh from the gut, be sad from the gut, or get angry from the gut.
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
I'm gonna share with you a vision that I had, cause I love you. And you feel it. You know all that money we spend on nuclear weapons and defense each year, trillions of dollars, correct? Instead - just play with this - if we spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world - and it would pay for it many times over, not one human being excluded - we can explore space together, both inner and outer, forever in peace. Thank you very much. You've been great, I hope you enjoyed it.
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch."