Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 196
I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.
It's all about money, not freedom, ya'll, okay? Nothing to do with fucking freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?
I can't sit down and write jokes. I just flows in from some maddeningly elusive place. Believe me, if I had an Alaska in my brain, I would drill baby drill, and I'd cum right on Sarah's back while I was there.
What is wrong with me I just bought a bag of weed from an infant.
I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.
I think there is much more storytelling in stand-up now. Less emphasis on the joke. Jokes are still important, but it feels like a more intimate and personal experience these days.
But seriously I got hit by a car the other day. Yeah, I'm alright, I appreciate the concern. I was going about 8, the care behind me was going about 11. He wasn't getting to 11, he was at 11. But he was behind me so cha-ching! C4, C5, bingo! He gets out of the car about 105 years old. A little cooky in the head. I'm a little tattered. He starts saying things he probably shouldn't at the scene of an accident. Hell buddy, I wasn't even looking. Might want to keep that to yourself.Then he just keeps burying himself. I can't even drive a stick. I don't know which one is the brake. My legs are numb. I been drinking!
Even if I'm aroused, my penis is in the shape of a question mark.
Doing panel well is actually more important than doing a good stand-up spot because it’s when the audience observes you in a more “conversational” mode and decides if they like your personality – which is one of the real keys to popularity.
I didn’t think I was older until I went into an Abercrombie & Fitch and they looked at me like I was walking through a playground with my cock in my hand.
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to fucking leave.