Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 196
I took Duke to the vet ’cause he eats his own turds, and I asked the vet, “Isn’t that unusual?” and he says, “No, a lot of dogs do that. Just take some of this powder here, sprinkle it on his food and it’ll make him stop.” I said, “What’s it do?” He says, “It makes his turds taste bad.”<br /> “I’m sorry, Doc, did you just say ‘it will make his turds taste bad’?” Let me tell you something, if you’ve stooped to eating turds, you’ve never uttered the phrase, “Oh my God! This is nasty!”
I have to say something about people, even when it's somebody like Michael Jackson. I have to say something about a little dude who runs around the country wearing one glove and singing "Beat It!"
This movie will actually increase the sex life of parents everywhere because they can put this on, with the 45 minutes of extras and they've got almost two hours to do whatever they've got to do while the kids watch the movie.
Why is it that if you take advantage of a tax break and you're a corporation, you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something you need to not be hungry, you're a moocher?
Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus.
I will call you stupid for not knowing shit that I just found out yesterday.
I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.
I'm from the streets of New York. I know what tough talk sounds like.
First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
Wow. That's a good question. Is "I don't know" an acceptable answer?
Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Suess inspired me to try cauliflower.