Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 196
Why is it that if you take advantage of a tax break and you're a corporation, you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something you need to not be hungry, you're a moocher?
Today President Bush ordered an investigation into whether it is appropriate to have civilians with no experience running a Navy sub. Hey, how about an investigation into whether it's appropriate to have a civilian with no experience running the country?
People do give me a hard time about my hair because it's orange and it's big.
When I die, if the word "thong" appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I've screwed up.
You can get tested now for early onset Alzheimer's. Hold on a second, could someone hire a marching band, cause I'm so happy I feel like having a parade. You mean I can find out early if I'm going to die of a super horrible disease that there's no cure for? Well, whoopee!
Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.
I was watching Discovery Channel the other day, and you know that they have come up with a new theory about how dinosaurs was wiped out? It was a midturn election...
Who ever heard of flight 5050? It's always flight 102, flight 216. 5050? They're telling you before you leave the gate - 50/50. Now go out there on runway 13 and give it your best shot.
We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.
Technically my dog's naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.
It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.
I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.
My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.