Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 196
When I die, if the word "thong" appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I've screwed up.
It’s better to play to the host as though in a real conversation and let the audience listen in- which they are.
The president of a TV network generously agreed to take his company's aptitude test, a test required of all the personnel. He did badly. As a result he was in a sullen mood for the rest of the day. When he got home that night, his wife asked why he looked so grouchy. "I took the company's aptitude test this morning." "What did it show?" asked the wife. "It showed," boomed the executive, "that such tests are idiotic. That's what it showed."
You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.
We need to try to work out something so folks can be there. We're going to try to find some solution so we don't have to keep repeating ourselves during the regular meeting. I think it is a board issue, but we're just going to try to make some suggestions. We would be open to doing the meetings at a different time.
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
The other day I drove home filled with pride and a sense of achievement. I entered the house, and there was my mother. "Mama," I said proudly, "I have a new Corvette outside." Mama looked at me, shook her head and said sadly: "Please, Joey. Don't bring her in."
I didn’t understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you’ll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. I can make fun of NASCAR fans because if they chase me, I just turn right.