Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 195

It’s better to play to the host as though in a real conversation and let the audience listen in- which they are.

My neighbor, she invited me to an Elvis party. I told her I couldn't come 'cause I'd be too busy making fun of her from behind my blinds.

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like "We have to get rid of dictators", but he's pretty much one himself.

I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.

Eddie Murphy was the Michael Jordan of comedy. He had a full range of abilities.

I remember on Thanksgiving all the kids wanted the drumstick. There were four of us then. Well, today you can go into the supermarket and get 12 drumsticks. Years ago you couldn't do that. So I was sucking on the neck for two years. My mother told me it was the leg, and I believed it. I went to my father and said, "Why is my leg always cockeyed?" He said, "The bird has arthritis."

Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.

Who ever heard of flight 5050? It's always flight 102, flight 216. 5050? They're telling you before you leave the gate - 50/50. Now go out there on runway 13 and give it your best shot.

I have a giant fish head on… I’m 42 fucking years old.

A guy goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he needs a pet for his mother. The guy says that Mom lives alone and could really use some company. Pet shop guy says, "I have just what she needs. A parrot that can speak in 5 languages. She'll have a lot of fun with that bird." The guy says he'll take the parrot and makes arrangement to have the bird delivered to his Mom. A few days pass and the man calls his mother. "Well Mom, how did you like that bird I sent?" She says, "Oh son, he was delicious!" Aghast, the guys says, "Mom, you ate that bird? Why, he could speak 5 languages!" Mom says, "well, he shoulda said something."

I developed several comedy phone calls.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The whole idea of doing the Hollywood thing never even occurred to me. When you grow up on the East coast, Hollywood seems like this fantasy land and you don't think that people can actually make a living there.

The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.