Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 195
Every time a friend of mine has a kid I go over to the crib and say, "You know, I used to hold your father’s head while he threw up."
I think anybody that protests at a comedy club is too easy. If you have problems and issues, you need to go to the White House and complain to Congress. Don’t come to a comedy club and bitch. That’s too easy.
My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"
The other day I drove home filled with pride and a sense of achievement. I entered the house, and there was my mother. "Mama," I said proudly, "I have a new Corvette outside." Mama looked at me, shook her head and said sadly: "Please, Joey. Don't bring her in."
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to fucking leave.
I want a black Gummi Bear. You ever see a black Gummi Bear? No, because Gummi Bears are as racist as hell. They come in every color but black. They got orange, yellow, green, invisible - come on. They must have got somebody on the candy committee like, 'We gave you niggers a jelly bean nobody eats. We're not going to take a chance on a Gummi Bear.'
When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.
Critics noted Schwarzenegger's only previous government experience was serving as chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, where his only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was doing anyway.
Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
Today President Bush ordered an investigation into whether it is appropriate to have civilians with no experience running a Navy sub. Hey, how about an investigation into whether it's appropriate to have a civilian with no experience running the country?
They think globally but act locally, which is part of my t-shirt philosophy course that I teach in Brooklyn.
Had an unexplained burst of happiness today. Doctor said not to worry it will go away.