Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 202
I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.
If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.
Walking back and forth also helps by creating the illusion that you are thinking of the routines on the spot, giving your performance a more spontaneous feeling.
Be prepared to cut your little extra lines that come after a big punchline and move on to the next joke or routine to give your set more punch and crispness. You can keep them in your set, but if the audience applauds your big line, don’t do your tag when it dies down, just move on.
Sigmund Freud once said, "What do women want?" The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that.
I describe myself to people as a "history buff." It just sounds better than "Holocaust buff."
Purim, one of my favorite holidays. It's like the original drag queen's holiday. It's when all the Jewish men go for it and feel no guilt for a change.
L.A. I love it. Everybody’s a superstar. A guy will tell you, "Yeah, I’m a producer." And he’s driving a cab.
And don't forget to fasten your condoms! Seatbelts, I mean seatbelts.
I have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately. In the past few years I’ve only had sex in months that end in "arch"... in years that have an Olympics.
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
I know when the anthrax thing hit - white people, y'all was very nervous. Y'all would come up to me at work and warn me, like 'Oh my God, Aries, be careful. Don't open your mail.' Let me tell you something - black folks was never worried about anthrax because, half the time, we don't open our mail no way. We might think that's a bill. We might hold it to the light and go, 'That's a red slip.' If you want to get us with anthrax, put that in a Jay-Z CD. That's how you get us.
I'm the only actress in Hollywood who didn't pay to have these lips.
Women do fool around. But the reason they don’t get caught is that when a woman mess with a man he lives cross town, out of town. Fellas we mess with next door neighbor, co-worker, wondering why she found out.