Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 202
Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting.
I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.
So I go back, reluctantly, down a murky hallway to what looks like a Dollar Store dressing room, and I open up the dirty curtain. There's a velvet Elvis on the wall with the eyes cut out - some weird sort of quality assurance program they're running in there. They got a dirty recliner they pulled off the street with duct tape on it - God knows what else. They got a bloody pipe on the floor. It's like a third world game of Clue.
If you tell a lie that's big enough, and you tell it often enough, people will believe you're telling the truth, even if what you're saying is total crap.
You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it and you wave a flag celebrating it.
We have toasters in this country... and they lie to us! Because it has numbers from one to six and it lies to us!
They didn't have to describe Jesus to me for me to know he's black. Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. Now if that ain't black folk, I don't know what is.
A long time ago there was a lot of people... but that was a long time ago.
They create these rules and argue about things we don't even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you're sort of amused, but most of the time you're thinking, "pick up the ball!" That's what you're thinking.
Teachers have a chance to mold someone, inspire them. I hope all teachers realize that.
Walking back and forth also helps by creating the illusion that you are thinking of the routines on the spot, giving your performance a more spontaneous feeling.
Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Worse, actually, at least the eunuch is allowed to watch.
Amelia Earhart, who said, "Stop looking for me; see if you can find my luggage!" Never got a dinner!