Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 202
My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.
We had our family tree done... turns out I'm a quarter gay on my father's side.
On a night like this, I like to punish my schlong like I caught it breaking into my house.
When I see homeless white person I start crying. (cries) What a waste of white skin.
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
One time I visited my mother and found St. Anthony's statue upside down. I say, 'Mama, why's St. Anthony upside down?' 'He don't answer my novena, he stays that way!'
They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.
The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.
Did you ever reach a point in your life, where you say to yourself, 'This is the best I'm ever going to look, the best I'm ever going to feel, the best I'm ever going to do,' and it ain't that great?
I'm the only actress in Hollywood who didn't pay to have these lips.
The other day I started to take a course in psycho-ceramics. What is psycho-ceramics? It's the study of crackpots.