Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 203
On a night like this, I like to punish my schlong like I caught it breaking into my house.
Ellen's very mad at me. She's says if I want to start a war in the press, she's not the person to start with.
If my mom came here today, she'd probably join this red-hat brigade. My mother got my sense of humor, even when I was a kid. I would just do things that tickled my fancy in the moment, and she would ask me who I was entertaining. I'd say, 'Well, me.' And she would tell me that nobody knew that and they thought I was psychotic. Well, I don't ever want people to think I'm psychotic, but I can't help myself from doing these things.
In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.’
If I do a movie where I have to have a son and it's a chubby kid, my mother is always like, 'You were never like that.' She gets so upset about it.
The house smelled of brisket and bourbon. That's the music I grew up on.
I did stand up first in high school, joined an improv group in college, kept doing stand up after that, no one could deter me. And I have no other skills really, so I’m sorta stuck with this now. It’s a little late to switch over to an ornithologist.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
You know when I'm down to my socks it's time for business. That's why they're called business socks. It's business, it's business time.
Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Worse, actually, at least the eunuch is allowed to watch.