Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 203
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
It’s a Spice Girl party & since we’re missing one I’m the new one Specky Spice.
I didn't do real well. I bombed. Something inside me told me to keep trying because I had nothing to lose. I gave it another shot, and I still bombed, but I got one laugh. And that laugh gave me encouragement to continue for the next seven years.
Did you ever reach a point in your life, where you say to yourself, 'This is the best I'm ever going to look, the best I'm ever going to feel, the best I'm ever going to do,' and it ain't that great?
Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.
I got a wedgie coming down from the ceiling in the swing and my leg fell asleep!
I hope everybody could get rich and famous and will have everything they ever dreamed of, so they will know that its not the answer.
I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.
I'm under stress. They killed me on wikipedia. They killed me. And I didn't stay dead long enough to sell no DVDs. I didn't even stay dead long enough - I was too stupid. I should've stayed low. I should've laid low. I could've been gone for a year; I'd have made money. And then I'd have risen from the dead.
Caution: Anal intercourse may lead to irregular heart rhythms. Yeah, you know I'm never gonna have to worry about that. Because God gave me a second lease on life and I'm not gonna press my luck and take it up the ass.
I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.
If I want my chips? Yeah, I want my chips. Who is this?