Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 207

We have toasters in this country... and they lie to us! Because it has numbers from one to six and it lies to us!

There's nothing funny about flying to Houston.

The house smelled of brisket and bourbon. That's the music I grew up on.

Ellen's very mad at me. She's says if I want to start a war in the press, she's not the person to start with.

Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?

I bullshit on the phone all day with a variety of people discussing various projects, and occasionally write jokes.

What's happening is there's a warm front of Mexicans that are humping their way north to the point where you'll be up in Canada one of these years, walking around, you'll be like: 'Hey look, Eskimos! They came down.' Those aren't Eskimos - they're Meximos: Mexicans in parkas, trying to have sex with Canadian women.

I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know when I failed eight other students around me failed too.

If opportunity doesn't knock, just build a door son.

I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspiren? I think I've got a cold."

No one is immune to the trials and tribulations of life.

More details coming out about Michael Jackson. It seems his 13-year-old accuser testified before a grand jury that Michael had seven locks on his bedroom door. See, what happened was whenever Michael would install one lock, the kid would grow an inch taller, and he’d have to put in another one, and then another one, and then another one.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.